


Stop this day and night with me

by Moonshape



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Hopeful Ending, Late Night Conversations, Slow Burn, Tactile, like the slowest burn ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:44:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonshape/pseuds/Moonshape
Summary: A dark night of the soul for Janeway and Seven separately at least might do something to bring them together (eventually).





	1. In the depths of winter

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote a thing. Be gentle with me, humans...this is my first EVER fic and I didn't have anyone to beta for me.  
> PLUS I didn't see it coming myself and I never really believed I could do it. I mean, maybe I can't...that remains to be seen :) But mostly, as a huge reader, I hope you all enjoy a LOT! And thanks to those on here who write so well and have clearly inspired me over time to have a go myself <3
> 
> (Also, I think this is definitely going somewhere. I enjoyed writing it SO much I am not done yet so have given myself some chapters in which to try and get to where I want....so all encouragement genuinely appreciated!)
> 
> I'm a giant quotation geek so:  
> *The title for the whole story is from Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" (...Stop this night and day with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems...)  
> *The title for this chapter is a translation of Camus from "Return to Tipasa" (...In the depths of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer....) although we're still firmly in winter here with J/7.
> 
> *Changed its rating recently since I've finally decided 100% where it's going (not somewhere G...)

Sometimes, it made no difference how bright she asked the computer to turn up the lights in her quarters. In fact sometimes, the very nature of the artificial glare actually made it worse. There were no warm rays of sun here and certainly no soft, comforting moonlight. Nothing to counter the aching desolation of dark space outside each and every one of her windows.

Yet it was not the empty vastness of space which scared her, although that too had started to happen with frightening and increasing regularity over the last few months. Rather it was the darkness inside - the one which snaked around her chest, making it difficult to catch her breath as she sat up in bed, making it impossible to keep her own thoughts in check. This darkness flooded in regardless of what she was occupied with or where she was needed. This darkness held her prisoner in the early hours of the morning, spilling over into her days with no mercy, no respite. In her worst moments - isolated, at night, reliving and regretting past decisions, this was the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole. 

And still Captain Kathryn Janeway fought it with every fibre of her being, in the same way that she had always faced such foes - quietly, with gritted teeth and a racing heart. Entirely alone.

Tonight, though. Tonight was different. Standing in front of the replicator, she felt her body ache with an overwhelming exhaustion that she knew could never be cured by sleep alone. She briefly contemplated the futility of checking the time again, and did so anyway. Only nine minutes had passed since, stretching and sighing heavily, she had given up on sleep entirely and asked the computer the first time. 

She sometimes thought that the pressure of command and the unrelenting solitude of this mission had made her hard. Certainly, it had sometimes pushed her to act that way. It had brought out strength and tenacity she had never even realised she possessed but also forced her to maintain the illusion of fearlessness and control which her crew needed to see. Only to herself would she ever admit the  truth: nothing scared her more than this - to be alone with her own thoughts, at half past three in the morning.

Unsure whether it was too early for coffee and too late for whiskey, sure that either would be a mistake, she requested a mug of herbal tea from the replicator but continued standing uselessly, cradling it without drinking. The whole ship would be sleeping, except a skeleton crew who had their orders, and their overnight work cut out for them. The thought that she could wander through virtually half of Voyager at this time without bumping into any of the ship's night owls or notorious early risers made her feel the loneliness stretching from her own space into the corridors beyond. She briefly wondered what exactly was making tonight even worse than usual and doing so, unwittingly returned to the border of the dark place where she had woken up earlier.

She could almost physically feel herself standing on the edge of a precipice, just inches from an abyss that seemed to hold all of her misery, self-loathing and doubt. In that moment, all she wanted to do was stop fighting and embrace the darkness on her terms before it inevitably took her regardless. She could feel her last resolve being stripped away and almost relished the surrender, even as she grew horrified at what could happen to her crew and her ship when she succumbed to the feelings that had been clawing at her for so long. After just seconds, every physical sensation she had was numbed and each emotion felt heightened, bubbling to the surface after years of being pressed down and pushed back. 

Finally, silently, she just gave in. Releasing a breath that could have been held for years, she let rage and hopelessness pick her up and toss her down, broken, like a wave on the shoreline. She leaned her forehead against the wall, just next to the replicator and simply allowed despair to consume her: heart, mind and soul.

"Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway."

She heard her name spoken and, drowning in her own depths, it sounded like a prayer, a benediction. She had cracked herself open and stared into a secret, personal void only to hear, she knew it was irrational even as she thought it:  _ A voice of hope. A call in the dark.  _ Absurdly, she found that she was almost laughing with sheer, unadulterated relief. As soon as she could, she opened her mouth to reply, only to be cut off before could she could even begin.

"Seven of Nine....to Captain…...Janeway."

The voice which had been crisp and strong was now hesitant, trailing off before it had even hit the last syllable fully.  _ But still _ , thought Kathryn as she felt it wrap around her, insulating her from her own destructive thoughts, _ it's so warm and alive. So beautiful. _

"Janeway here. Are you alright?" 

"I am unsure how to respond to that question appropriately at this moment, Captain. In addition, I believe I may have inadvertently disturbed your sleep and should now apologise. It did not occur to me to consider your need for rest until I was midway through contacting you." She paused, clearing her throat awkwardly, unable to see that Janeway was already smiling a little. "The.... second..time."

"I was awake, Seven." She rolled her shoulders as she spoke, feeling the ever-present tension creeping up her back and neck unpleasantly. "I had been for some time." There was a small, barely audible release of breath which Janeway found oddly endearing. "I am concerned by your first answer, though." She was fighting to sound light, feeling anything but. Logically, she knew no catastrophe could have occurred without being immediately informed and involved. The fact remained though that nothing like this had ever happened before. Not only was it the middle of the night, but the complete absence of forethought before initiating contact was more than just out-of-character for the usually hyper-diligent young woman. She felt a sick feeling drift in and settle low in her stomach. None of her crew had any idea of the places their Captain visited alone at night, where she had been only moments ago. Kathryn found herself shivering as she followed this thought through to its logical conclusion:  _ Have made the same assumptions about Seven, about her resilience? How can I of all people possibly think she’s invulnerable? _

"Captain?"

"Still here."

"I am also concerned with the nature of my first answer. Yet I do not find it to be incorrect."

Kathryn waited to see if more was offered but there was only silence. 

"Seven, I know it's very late. Or, very early maybe... I'm not even sure. But if you want to talk right now - I think you do - you can come to my quarters. Come straight away."

There was another noticeable exhalation of what sounded like relief. “ I will comply. I believe I will be there in 5.4 minutes." 

"I think that'll be just fine. I'm not going anywhere." She pulled on an extra layer as she spoke. 

"Captain?"

"Yes?"

"I wish to keep the channel open during the time it will take me to reach you. Is this acceptable?" 

Kathryn wondered if anything would ever mend the hole that had just been punched in her heart. "You focus on getting here." She could hear Seven take a breath as though about to start speaking so quickly continued herself. "I'll be right here. I'm going to talk to you the whole way. You only need to speak to me if you want and if you can. I'm waiting for you. And you.…you must be a little closer already." In the brief pause, Kathryn could hear her own heartbeat rushing in her ears.

"Thank you." She wasn't sure that she had ever heard as much raw emotion from Seven as in those two short words. 

She immediately started talking. Inanely and incongruously, she noticed, she was relaying a story almost half-forgotten from her childhood. Her wrists ached from shooting her hands out hard to steady herself against the wall in front of her during their conversation, realising that she experienced the idea of Seven’s pain as something even worse than her own. She vaguely noticed her foot was wet and, looking down, wondered when she had dropped the tea. Avoiding the damp patch of floor, she lowered herself down, stretching out her story as much as she could. 

Kathryn found herself almost praying for time to speed up, worry taking over her thoughts.  _ It must be at least five minutes already. _ She had never wanted to see Seven more. Never admired her more. This woman who was so strong, so fearless and so brave.  _ Brave enough to tell me that she couldn't get through 5.4 minutes alone. Strong enough to call in the dead of night and then fearless enough to know what she needed, and to say it out loud to another person. I could never... _

The door chimed. 

"Come in."


	2. Two pages in a book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of mood and not much action but that's what falling in love is like ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying writing these two for the first time a LOT. Thanks for comments and kudos on the first chapter, it really made me want to keep writing.
> 
> Chapter title is with (profuse) apologies to Elizabeth Bishop ("Close as two pages/ in a book/ that read each other/ in the dark.") The quotation Seven can't place is Edward Abbey.
> 
> There is discussion here of character's mental health and how they feel as a result. If this kind of thing is difficult for you to read, please make good choices :)

Seven of Nine stepped on through the door as it closed behind her. "Computer dim lights to seventy percent." As soon as the glare diminished, she was assaulted by more sensory data - the familiar smell of her Captain's quarters, and the feeling of her own increased heartbeat pounding in her chest. She had walked as quickly as she trusted herself to, listening intently all the way, trying to make even her own footsteps as silent as possible. She paused a moment longer inside the door before focusing again on the disembodied voice that had lead her here, more intent on its timbre than its words. 

Rounding the corner, she stopped abruptly, a little of the tension draining out of her at the welcome sight of Janeway sitting on the floor, her back against the wall, knees bent up in front of her.  _ I had not realised I was holding my breath until the moment I saw her. Disconcerting.  _

The Captain looked up, meeting her eyes and stopped speaking, her story and its purpose at an end.  _ She looks so small and... vulnerable? _ Looking at this human woman in her bathrobe, Seven felt an unidentifiable emotion gape open inside of her as the silence hung in the air between them. 

"Was that the end of the story?" she asked, momentarily shocking Janeway out of an answer by rather ungracefully lowering herself down the wall until they were sitting side by side. Still waiting, Seven raised an eyebrow and turned her head slowly to look at the other woman. 

"You surprise me, Seven."

"I do?"

Janeway hesitated, then turned and looked her straight in the eye. When she spoke, her voice was low and rich. "Constantly". She closed her eyes, leant her head back against the cool wall and drew her shoulder blades together before finally answering. "Really, it was the end of the story. Except that my father was very angry with both my sister and I. We never found out why exactly." Barely moving, she continued "I don't know what possessed me to start telling you that of all the stories I could have chosen."

Seven recalled the steady tone of voice, how it had wrapped itself around her and guided her safely to where she needed to be. "Your story was highly effective, Captain. I am grateful. I was uncertain I could..." She shifted her weight on the floor, trying to distract from the discomfort of the admission.

"We could move to sit on the sofa?" A quick look of amusement at the obvious absurdity of their position passed between them. 

"No." Even as she spoke, Seven wondered briefly if she was malfunctioning. "I find this to be...."  _ When did I become so inane?  _ "....nice."

Startled beyond anything she had experienced in a long time, Janeway wondered quite how much stranger this evening could become. "What made," she started, exactly as Seven simultaneously launched into an abortive question. Janeway smiled, an unreadable expression on her face that the other woman had never seen before; something suddenly exposed, and then gone just as quickly. Holding her hands up, the Captain began again. "You first. What did you want to ask me?" 

"Why were the lights so bright when I entered your quarters?" When Janeway shut her eyes again and leant her head forward onto her knees, Seven waited, listening to the sounds of the other woman's breathing mixing with her own. She wondered, as she had so many times before, what enigmatic thoughts were passing through that bright, unstoppable mind. It was the only mind that pushed her to the limits of her capabilities, her self awareness and, often, her patience. Now able to examine the older woman's face without being seen, she found herself surprised by the feelings of comfort and hope this individual's proximity awakened in her.

"I find sometimes that it helps." Janeway's voice was unfathomable. Sensing the next as-yet-unspoken question, she continued "I imagine in the same way that my speaking to you on your way here helped earlier." 

"Elaborate," startled at the low volume of her own voice, Seven turned her face away. 

"By helping me feel grounded somehow. It....anchors me when I need something to hold on to." 

Seven's voice was lower still: "At night, when you are alone." It was not a question but there was a barely perceptible nod of the head in response.

The pain and confusion she had brought with her had been immediately numbed a little as she relaxed somewhat into the familiarity of Captain's quarters and presence. Now, she felt something crueler twist her heart at the sudden insight into the anguish of someone she cared for deeply.  _ Why does this pain me so much? I have always known deep down that she was not as invincible as she usually pretends.  _ Seven's mind fractured into a thousand questions but all that came out of her mouth was "You cannot study the darkness by flooding it with light."

Janeway wondered, at this point, if anything about this incredible young woman would ever surprise her again. "I don't wish to study it. And where the hell did that come from, Seven?" 

"I am unsure,"  _ Something I do not like to admit to you.  _ "Earth literature, 20th century, attribution...unknown." She found she was unable to restrain herself from continuing. "However, I cannot agree with your reaction. You always wish to study everything." The response was the first laugh she had heard from Janeway in some time, and it made her cheeks warm to have caused it as the Captain reached out and put a friendly hand on her knee. 

The older woman glanced at her own pale legs stretched out on the floor next to those of her friend and acknowledged, to herself at least, the bizarreness of the moment when she finally crumbled and let her guard down in front of someone she had never thought she would. She looked straight ahead, letting something, anything on the other side of the room hold her focus and strengthen her resolve to keep speaking.

"I don't need to study it, Seven. My own particular darkness and I are well acquainted. We've spent years getting to know each other." 

Seven's flawless memory flooded with data she had acquired over time about the other woman from conversations, ships' logs, observations, and anecdotal evidence. One recollection jumped immediately to the front of her mind and she vocalised it almost without thinking: "The void."

Seven felt Janeway give an involuntary but unmistakable shudder beside her. Without a second's thought, she found herself inexplicably doing something she had only ever witnessed others do before. She reached out and covered the Captain's hand with her own and, after a moment's pause, slid her fingers between the other woman's and locked them there. She felt a gentle warmth spread through her whole body when she felt a gentle, grateful squeeze as the Captain started to speak.

"One of the occasions on which more astute members of the crew" she raised an eyebrow, "may have noticed I was...not fully myself."

They sat, time stretching out until moments seemed like minutes even to Seven, who knew this was not the case. The silence between them was comfortable and familiar. She was certain she could detect both of their heartbeats, slightly out of sync. She wondered what thoughts her Captain was lost in but didn't dare to ask, instead relishing the feeling of their closeness. Seven felt her breath catch dangerously when the woman sitting next to her, apparently without thinking, turned the hand covering her own and began to run her fingers over the palm.

_ This feels extremely.....intimate. _

Even the thought of the word made her stomach flip over, a feeling she already associated with Janeway.  _ It is the sensation I have when she enters a room and I was not prepared to see her.  _ Seven sat, frozen, unable to take her hand back.  _ I never want her to let go of me.  _ Instead she spoke, her voice still low and far more uncertain than usual. "It is normal, then, for humans to have such periods of time? When they are, as you said, not themselves?"

Seven realised the Captain had been looking straight ahead since the start of their conversation. Even now, as if in silent agreement, they both seemed determined not to meet each other's eyes, perhaps terrified of breaking the spell of this moment and the easy affinity between them if they did. 

"It's certainly normal for some of us," Janeway started, shifting her weight incrementally and tentatively leaning her head on Seven's shoulder. "Tell me." She tried to keep her tone light and neutral even though her manner of speaking bore the mark of someone used to giving orders. "Tell me why you had me talk to you the whole way here."

Seven understood that she was about to cross into entirely uncharted territory both for herself and her Captain. She had had enough experience of human relationships to know that changing the parameters of interaction and trust could alter theirs irreparably forever. And yet, there was the undeniable warmth and affection of the head now nestled on her shoulder and the memory of the voice which had carried her here safely, without even asking for a reason why.

"Would it help to start with one word, Seven?" 

"Perhaps."

Janeway waited, giving her space to start, barely breathing when she felt Seven's head rest on her own for a moment.

"Chaos." She took a deep breath and began in earnest. "Since leaving the collective, I have managed to somewhat reconcile myself to the chaotic and frustrating nature of the universe. However, when it manifests itself inside my own mind, it.....disturbs me greatly." She sighed quietly and continued: "Everything we have discussed before - I do know it is still true. I know that I need to expend significant time and effort to become an individual, to become truly human. I work, I observe, I reflect very day and yet so much remains that I do not understand. There are too many contradictions in humanity for me to fathom. You are not just illogical but actively contrary. Many of you say one thing yet do another; more of you display contradictory behaviour from one day to the next."

Seven could feel that she was speaking faster and faster, letting her anger and fear rise to the surface and spill out. Still the other woman stayed silent, never letting go of her hand, even now.

"I am afraid, Captain. When I start to analyse what I know and see, sometimes there is only confusion. I begin to question not only the data but also whether it has any point at all..... whether there is any purpose in what I am seeking. Whether I will ever find my humanity, whether I even can. Or want to." Seven waited a long time before admitting finally, "Whether there is any purpose in me, as an individual, at all."

Before she could even take breath to continue, warm, soft arms were pulling her, sliding around her and then holding her like she had never been held before. The sensory impact of such a tight, caring embrace was overwhelming and it took her some moments to realise that the other woman was shaking slightly, as was her voice when she eventually spoke.

"Is this how you were feeling when you asked me to talk to you as you were walking?" Seven could only nod. "Thank you for trusting me. Thank you. Thank you so much for telling me now and for asking me to help you then." Seven found it impossible to read the emotion brimming in Janeway's voice but she felt a stab of fear at the uncharacteristic emotional honesty of her Captain's reaction.

"Kathryn, have I......upset you?"  _ No, it is worse. _ "I have disappointed you." 

Janeway suddenly broke the hug, holding Seven by the shoulders at arm's length and looking her in the eye for the first real time since their conversation began.  _ Why is the Captain smiling at me now? I will never understand this woman. _

"That's the first time you've ever called me Kathryn. I......" She stopped short, a very faint blush spreading over her cheeks. "It's silly."

"Tell me."

"I...I don't know. I always wished you would, at least when we were alone but I somehow never told you early enough in our friendship and then it seemed strange to mention it after so long had already passed. But I wanted - I want - you to know that part of me. I mean, the part that isn't the Captain of this ship... sometimes I think she's another person all together." It had come out in a huge rush of words. Seven had barely begun to process them when the other woman continued, holding her shoulders even tighter. "And, precious, precious girl, listen to me."  _ I couldn't not if my life depended on it. _ "You have never disappointed me. Not once. I don't think you ever could." Pausing, Janeway looked as though she had reached an important decision. Seven didn't think she could breathe out until she had fully understood what it was. "You are the single most incredible person I have ever met. You know me well enough to know that I'm not prone to exaggeration. You've made this ship's family richer by joining it. You've contributed to each and every one of our successes since you came on board....and you're only just beginning your journey. You don't need to have all the answers but you must always, always believe and know that your life has huge meaning. If you can, if you want to, we're going to talk through everything - whatever you're feeling, thinking, experiencing. I promise you, as long as it takes, I will go through it all with you."

It was Seven's turn to grab the other woman in her arms, again taking her quite by surprise despite everything which had already passed between them. "I will comply. But then, you will tell me," Seven spoke into her Captain's hair, "what word Kathryn wishes to start with. And we will talk about you. And about it."

"You already know Kathryn's word." She swallowed audibly. "My word is darkness."

Holding each other, they could both feel that something had shifted. Not that their feelings of fear and  despair had suddenly abated but rather that somehow their power had diminished a little the moment they had been spoken in the open. Seven felt a little easier, the urgent anxiety of earlier dissipated for now.  _ It is as though we have faced up to something, together. Now we will be more than we were before.  _

She pulled back and raised an eyebrow, wondering if it was an appropriate moment for a little humour after their exhausting and emotional exchange. "In that case next time, I will bring some candles."

There was a silent pause and Seven held her breath, cringing inside at her own awkwardness. She was certain she had misjudged the moment until she heard the low, bubbling laughter beginning and felt Kathryn's whole body starting to shake beside her, a look of wonder on her face.  _ I wish to hear this sound every day for the rest of my life. _ Taken aback at herself, Seven filed this thought away, along with numerous others from this evening, for later analysis. 

"You made a joke!" The Captain moved to put her head on Seven's arm. "Oh GOD it feels good to laugh." She shifted her weight, surprising Seven with a sudden uncharacteristic yelp. "Damn, my ass has gone completely to sleep." Caught between continuing to laugh and groaning heavily, she looked across at the other woman's expression of amusement and confusion. "It means..."

"In this case I can hazard a good guess as to what you are referring." Seven paused before she continued, smiling a little. "I think this is the best idiomatic human expression I have heard so far." Her eyes widened as she moved to start helping the Captain up. "Oh. I do not need to guess what you meant." She grimaced. "I am in the same situation. It is....not pleasant."

Janeway stood with considerable difficulty and stretched out her arms above her head, flexing her legs on tiptoe as much as she dared whilst her buttocks were still on fire. In spite of her own discomfort, Seven found herself mesmerized by the muscles and tendons in the Captain's legs and could scarcely stop herself from reaching out to touch the area at eye level. Although this evening had unfolded in ways she could not even have imagined, she understood that somehow this would be crossing a line which still lay firmly between them.  _ What is wrong with me? _

Janeway lowered her hand down and hoisted Seven to her feet, both of them shifting from foot to foot a little sheepishly, grimacing at their predicament. The Captain wasted no time in getting herself a coffee and then set about replicating the ingredients for a blend of tea she had discovered Seven particularly enjoyed during their previous late-night chats. Moments later with both of them standing and sipping, Seven could feel that the dynamic in the room had changed but was no less comfortable. 

"So, do you want to talk to me about it more now?"

"There is, as humans say, no time like the present," Seven replied quickly, knowing they both needed to continue the conversation they had started. Almost immediately though, Janeway barely stifled a yawn, causing Seven to raise one of her eyebrows sharply. "Although, given that our current "present" is the middle of the night, perhaps you should instead attempt to sleep, Captain." A brief shadow of disappointment crossed the older woman's face before Seven corrected herself. "Kathryn." 

"As long as you don't need to regenerate, I'd much prefer to sit up with you."

Seven had never before felt as she did in that exact moment. It defied logical analysis in a way that made her not all together comfortable, setting her mind ablaze with all the confusion and mess of emotions which she had increasingly started to associate with her Captain.

"Penny for your thoughts, Seven? I think you left me for a minute there." 

"Never, Kathryn," she said before she could stop herself. A look passed between them and something never before spoken seemed to hang in the air of the room suddenly. Seven wondered if she would ever be able to find her way out of Janeway's eyes.  _ Am I losing my mind? _

It was the Captain who glanced away first, breathing in a ragged way they both pretended to ignore. "I meant - what were you thinking about, darling?" 

Once she had regained the power of logical thought, Seven wondered how one incidental word from this woman could threaten to make her heart beat right out of her chest.  _ Does she even know what she just called me? Why does it make me feel like this? Such a reaction cannot be normal. _

Reciprocating the only way she could in the moment and clenching her fists under the table to stop them shaking, she answered with complete honesty, "I was thinking that I began this evening feeling more uncertain and more.....hopeless than ever. I did not come here under the most positive of circumstances." The Captain raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. "But now I find that I do...... not wish this night to ever end. This night here, with you."

Janeway's answering smile was like the sun to Seven, and she realised with sudden clarity that she wanted to bathe in it until the next morning and far beyond. 


	3. Glamourous Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seven definitely uses her words to good effect, Janeway asks herself a lot of questions we literally all know the answers to, and the author remembers that there are actually other people aboard Voyager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said before, this is the first thing like this I've ever written AND the first time I've ever posted *anything* I've written online so if you are one of the lovely people who has given kudos or commented ~ THANK YOU SO MUCH for the support. It really makes me ridiculously happy! *Hint hint* everyone else ;)  
> The title is from Carol Ann Duffy's "You" (READ THIS POEM IF YOU DO NOT KNOW IT): "Falling in love is glamourous hell".

It was a long time since Kathryn Janeway had woken up so slowly, lazily stretching out every muscle she could, clinging to the last happy, drowsy moments of sleep. Even so, some vague discomfort nagged at her brain; a half-remembered concern which needed addressing, and soon.  
  
_I let it happen again last night. Why is it that when she's here, I lose all discretion? I can't keep talking to her like she's my oldest friend. It's beyond unprofessional at this point. I need to shut this down. And right now._  
  
Still the pleasant, languid feeling in her body remained as she pulled herself out of bed, determined to worry about how to solve the problem only after a significant amount of coffee. It wasn't until she'd already crossed the threshold of her living area that she saw the sleeping form on the couch and remembered exactly how the previous evening had ended.

Taking a tentative step closer, she smiled in spite of herself. Balled up on the sofa, Seven of Nine had practically made a nest out of the blanket covering her; only the delicate fingers of one hand and half her face protruding from the fluffy mess.  
  
_Hell, she's unutterably beautiful…...Get a grip, damnit._  
  
Janeway had never seen the other woman looking so entirely relaxed and at ease when awake.  
  
_Well, you certainly don't seem to be having as much trouble adapting to sleeping as you claimed recently._  
  
Although their evening conversations had gained in frequency and depth over the last four weeks, nothing like this had ever happened before. Returning with two glasses of water, Voyager’s Captain had been so startled to find Seven asleep on her couch, all she could think to do was cover her carefully with a blanket, and go to bed herself. Truth be told, she was no less surprised to find her still here, and still sleeping peacefully.  
  
As if in confirmation of her very real presence, Seven suddenly rolled over onto her left side and made a small, contented snuffling noise. Gritting her teeth, Janeway fled at full speed into her bathroom, wondering if the usually indifferent universe was actually trying to kill her.  
  
After several minutes of calming the mess of her thoughts and holding her body under a stream of punishingly hot water, she thought it finally safe to think back to the previous night. They had both spoken of their parents, and, she was horrified to recall, of their different but very real fears related to arriving back on Earth.  
  
_That was certainly too far. When did I become this idiot who confides so much in other people?_  
  
She let out a huge sigh, knowing she should feel exhausted after so many late nights but instead buzzing with an undeniable energy.

_But she isn't 'other people' though is she?_ _And what if tell her we have to go back to where we were a month ago. I can't stand to lose her. This. Whatever the hell this even is. Can I?_  
  
When they spoke now, she could sometimes sense Seven's frustration at her own inexperience using language to describe her feelings and emotional experiences. On other occasions she was so open that the Captain didn't know what to say or how to react. The night before Seven had been willing to lay bare her own uglier emotions and they had had an extended exchange about jealousy. The usual intellectual antagonism and sparring notwithstanding, Janeway could sense how their interactions had shifted over the last few weeks, an undercutting charge of something else now running through them.  
  
_Keep your distance from now on, Kathryn. For goodness' sake, you're a grown woman._ _  
__  
_ Sighing once more as she started to towel her hair dry, she heard the telltale sounds of someone else awake in the living area. Immediately she felt a sheer horror at the sudden physical signs of nerves which cursed through her body at even the thought of going into the other room.  
  
_This is already so much worse than I thought it was. How have I let myself fall so hard?_  
  
She tried to arrange her features in a suitably casual way, as though crewmembers frequently fell asleep on her couch.  This proved thoroughly useless though when, entering the living area, she was confronted with the sight of Seven, bending to stretch her back out,  a chunk of tousled hair sticking out at a right angle to the back of her head. Janeway only hoped her gasp hadn't been as audible to the other woman as it had felt to her. Seven's expression, when she turned, was hard.  
  
_She looks.....angry? Upset. Both?_ _  
_  
She wasn't able to dwell on it too long. It was a considerable effort to control her own face and stop it breaking out into that wide smile she couldn't stop any time she caught a glimpse of Seven. The young woman stayed quiet, though. Her stance was standoffish, embodying the arrogant self-confidence which so infuriated many of the crew members when she had first come aboard Voyager. This was not the Seven that Janeway was used to having in her quarters and without clearly knowing why, her heart sank as she felt something lost between them.  
  
"I had intended to leave without disturbing you further, Captain."  
  
With a cheeriness she didn't feel, Janeway heard herself say, "Hey, stay for breakfast. We all fall asleep in strange places sometimes."  
  
"I do not."  
  
She felt genuinely distraught to have Seven suddenly treat her exactly as she might anyone else. Doubly so to have her invitation ignored entirely. The young woman stepped purposefully towards the door.  
  
"Ok, suit yourself." It came out much sharper than the Captain had intended. Even Seven looked a little taken aback, although she hid it again quickly. Janeway took a deep breath, filled with irritation at herself, and tried again.  
  
"Here, let me," she said, stepping forward. Seven looked unsure but didn't move. The Captain tried a gentle smile before continuing. "Your hair is all over the place." She saw the younger woman tense and set her jaw. Janeway understood that she probably had doubts about maintaining her dignity but took her lack of protest as enough of a prompt to go ahead. Gently she started to smooth down the back section of the young woman's hair, running her fingers through it until it lay as flat as the rest.  
  
_I can see why she doesn't wear it down. No one would get an ounce of work done. Well, I wouldn't for sure._  
  
She fussed over the sides a little more than necessary, reluctant to break the contact. She couldn’t help thinking that if she just leaned forward incrementally, she would feel Seven's breath on her cheek. Realised though that she was obviously lingering over it now, she tucked the left side of Seven's hair behind her ear decisively and stepped back.  
  
"There. Better."  
  
Seven only nodded.  
_  
__This is oddly hard work. Say something witty, can't you?_  
  
"Now you can walk through the corridors without looking like you've..."  
  
_STOP TALKING, KATHRYN. What the hell possessed you to start that sentence?_  
  
Seven still stood completely frozen. Janeway fought a rare but dangerous urge to just keep babbling. She took a steady breath and looked the other woman directly in the eyes.  
  
_My face must be the colour of my uniform._  
  
But Seven was enough of an immediate distraction, doing something the Captain could never have imagined. She looked as though she was about to speak but then hesitated and bit her bottom lip slowly.  
  
_Fuck me, I've died and gone to hell. Or heaven. I don't know which is worse._ _  
__  
_ A second later, Seven had already rearranged her face into the earlier neutral expression, her back ramrod straight. Janeway felt like she hadn’t taken a proper breath since stepping into the room.  
  
"I apologize for interrupting your morning routine, Captain." And she was out of the doors before the older woman could even move, let alone utter a reply.  
  
_What the hell was that?_ _  
_  
She paced irritability, any semblance of the good mood she had woken up in long gone and a mild but undeniable ache starting at the base of her neck. She felt like screaming, an activity she usually reserved for a holodeck programme she had specifically designed for that purpose; an exhausting mountain climb at the end of which she stood and yelled her frustration and anger into the simulated valley as often as necessary. This time she would have to keep it bottled up for a while longer.  
  
It was whilst leaving her quarters for the bridge a few minutes later that she remembered with a loud groan that Neelix had organised a social event for the senior staff that evening.  
  
_Compulsory fun. How much worse can today get?_ _  
_  
She was the first to admit that, often, she relished the opportunity to catch up with some of the most trusted members of this crew, her family. Sometimes, however, playing the part of the sociable and strong Captain exhausted her. It was certainly one of those days  
  
_I'm sure Seven will be equally thrilled. Maybe we can sneak out early? There's so much we didn't finish talking about yesterday. Oh, for goodness' sake, she just left…..and she was so strange. How can I already want more time with her? We've been together recently, why does it never feel like enough?_  
  
She found herself flustered at the thought and at the accompanying realisation that any member of the crew could easily pick up on quite how much time they had been spending in her quarters, alone.  
  
_I need to nip this in the bud. Oh, who am I kidding? What bud?? It's already fully grown._  
  
The coffee finally flooding into her system at least cleared some of her irritation at the earlier interaction with Seven and brought back memories of others from the night before with intense clarity. She recalled that she had become very animated and kept interrupting the other woman in her desire to get her point across. Although Seven had indulged her, well used to Kathryn Janeway on a roll, she saw in retrospect how frustrating her own behaviour was. And how unfair it had been unfair to let herself get quite so carried away.  
  
No wonder she was annoyed with me this morning. I’m a pain in the ass when I’m like that. At least I can put this right quickly.  
  
Nevertheless finding it difficult to keep her hands still, she quickly sent a message inviting Seven to come briefly to her quarters fifteen minutes before Neelix's event began. The other woman replied within minutes, in the affirmative. A prickle of anticipation ran up the Captain's spine.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It had felt like the slowest day of her life waiting for the chime at her door but when it finally came, Captain Janeway found herself caught before she was ready.  
  
"Come in, I'm just changing," she said, rushing to run her fingers through hair unbrushed since before her duty shift began. As it was even with hours more, she couldn't have prepared herself for the effect Seven was to have on her. Stepping into the living room, she saw the young woman shifting from foot to foot slightly awkwardly in flatter shoes than usual. Out of her usual attire, she looked ill at ease in fitted black jeans and a white tank top. Her loose, open shirt matched the colour of her eyes and made their blue even brighter than usual. She was unconsciously fidgeting with the end of the long, loose braid of her hair.

  
_She looks breathtaking._

It was some time before Janeway was sure she could trust herself to speak and when she did her voice came out higher than she had planned.  
  
"You look very elegant, Seven."  
  
"I also wished to....make an effort this evening." The young woman raised an eyebrow before continuing. "I did not know that you wear dresses. I have never seen you in one before."  
  
The Captain's was paralysed by a flood of self-consciousness. She couldn't remember the last time she had spent so long in front of the mirror dressing for an event, still remaining ultimately dissatisfied with the outcome. She already regretted the black sleeveless dress which stopped above the knee and showed just a little more of the lines of her body than she was comfortable with. She was sure, too, that there would be a run in the sheer stockings before the end of the evening.  
  
_I should have worn something else._  
  
After a moment Seven spoke again, so quietly at first that she almost missed it entirely.  
  
_Since when do Borg mumble?_  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said you look exquisite, Kathryn."  
  
_I never want to wear anything else again._  
  
The glance between them was electric and by the time Janeway managed to look away, her mouth dry, she could only manage, "I'm not even wearing shoes yet."  
  
"I am sure that they will only add to your perfection."  
  
_I need to get out of here before she kills me without even moving._  
  
One hand on the table, slipping on a pair of low heels, she forced herself to remember the original reason for inviting the other woman to her quarters.  
  
"You were upset this morning. I bulldozed you, didn't I, when we were talking last night? Talk about not getting a word in edgeways. I promise not to let it happen again. I always want to hear what you want to say. And you mustn't let me get away with being like that next time. I'm sure you never used to."  
  
Seven, who had become suddenly and mysteriously awkward at the mention of the morning, quickly recovered. She stepped forward, a look of pure mischief in her eyes as she started to reply.  
  
"Sometimes, you are an infuriating individual to communicate with. I enjoy talking to you about any topic. Sparring with you, too. And listening to you speak." She tilted her head to one side. "But you are right. You must learn not to dominate the conversation. I will not let you get away with it again. If, on any future occasion, you will not stop speaking, I will find a way to both cover your mouth and channel your enthusiasm."  
  
Janeway almost tangibly felt everything she had spent so long trying to deny and bury explode inside her. Every interaction and touch she had ever shared with Seven seemed to crystallise in that moment into something bigger; an emotion that was far more than just the sum of their history.  
  
_Hell, no one has ever made me this wet before. Let alone fully clothed and with only half a sentence. Oh, own up Kathy, you were getting there since the minute you walked in the room._  
  
Breathing hard, she leant back on the table whilst trying exceptionally hard to look as though she didn't need to. Seven hadn't moved an inch and had a curious expression on her face.  
  
_She's looking at me as though I'm.....what? An experiment. Or her prey? A complex mathematical problem....Lunch?_  
  
Shaking, Janeway nevertheless summoned to her command whatever clarity of thought she possibly could and contemplated taking a decisive step forward.  
  
_Why I am even fighting this so hard? I know why. I have a list of why._  
  
Still, she took the step and inhaled carefully so that she could try to speak.  
  
"Lieutenant Torres to Captain Janeway?"  
  
Letting out an audible noise of frustration, the Captain gritted her teeth and consciously called on years of training to keep her voice even and neutral. Seven looked no less unimpressed at the interruption.    
  
"Janeway here."  
  
"Captain... Neelix doesn't want to start serving the food without you but.....um, we were supposed to start ten minutes ago. Are....um, you and Seven on your way?"  
  
"Yes," she lied instantly, motioning the other woman towards the door ahead of her. She followed her out quickly, catching the faint smell of a scent she recognised. It was the one she associated with late night, intimate conversations, with desire and with every fantasy she let herself fall prey to alone in her bed; one which she had smelt on her blanket just this morning, tidying the couch. Realising she had loitered in the corridor beyond her door just to breathe it in, she hurried after the other woman and tried to remember what a Starfleet Captain's face should look like.  
  
_Oh, I am so done for._


	4. What this storm's all about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KJ gets upset, Seven gets mad, no one gets any.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm goofily and eternally happy for the comments and kudos. Please keep them coming....it's so motivating when I'm thinking about my next chapters!
> 
> This didn't at all turn out how I thought it would originally but I'm kind of happy with it. I know it's another chapter with a little more conversation, a little less action but I hope I'll be forgiven for getting these (hopeless) two to where I want them to be slowly! 
> 
> The chapter title is from Murakami's "Kafka on the Shore": "One thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." The whole section about "the storm" in that book ig gorgeous and well worth looking up if you have a spare five mins.

Seven of Nine reached behind her instinctively and grabbed the hand of her Captain, feeling its warmth as she pulled the shorter woman along the corridor after her. As they moved through the ship, she thought for the hundredth time about how this day had begun; about waking up that morning in a strange place.    
  
Not yet conscious, she had been vaguely aware of the soothing sound of running water. And of being very, very bothered. She had her hand under the blanket before she was even able to think coherently, immediately finding and pressing into the warm, desperate place between her own legs. Arching her back slightly against fingers she imagined to be someone else's, she became slowly more and more tuned into the information her senses were giving her. She was surrounded a mixture of smells, one of which was so familiar and intoxicating; her favourite scent.   
  
_ Kathryn. _   
  
Her body reacted just to the thought, her heart rate increasing and  the ache under her biosuit suddenly unbearable. She circled her fingers hard over her clitoris, feeling moisture even through the absorbent fabric.    
__   
_ I should admit it to myself - she is always who I want. The only person I have ever thought about like this. _   
  
Although she fought it in the cold light of day, Kathryn’s were the hands she pictured without fail when she touched herself in this glorious state between sleeping and waking. Sometimes what she craved was gentle and loving, sometimes rough and desperate. Seven's greatest work on her imagination had been done over the hours spent dreaming of the hundreds of ways she and Kathryn might explore one another's bodies. Secondary only to that was the number of fantasy conversations she had conducted with the Captain in her head; ones where she systematically destroyed any arguments the other woman might pose as to why they couldn't be together.   
  
_ Why am I so afraid to start such an interaction in the real world? I have faced down far worse than my own emotions. _   
  
She could feel the delicious tension building in her body but still refused to open her eyes. She pressed her face into the couch to stifle her heavy breathing and made a silent wish just before she came against her own hand, legs shaking hard.   
  
_ Please, let her come in now and find me like this. That would certainly force the moment. I am not brave enough. _   
  
It was a very ashamed and sorely disappointed Seven who opened her eyes moments later, full of anger and self-loathing.    
__   
_ Why did I do that here? What is wrong with me? What if she  _ **_had_ ** _ found me? She would never want me as I want her. Stupid. Such physical sensation is irrelevant. Emotions are irrelevant.  _ __   
  
She willed herself to listen to the mantra of her own thoughts without success, almost on the verge of tears. She had never spent the night horizontal before and was stretching cautiously, grimacing at the discomfort in her back, when Janeway, hair still wet, stepped into the room. It was all the younger woman could do to meet her eyes. She wanted to fly from the room and never return.   
  
Now, as they continued their half-run to Neelix's evening soirée, she was glad that she had not. Despite their awkward morning interaction, the sight and smell of a freshly-showered but not yet fully awake Kathryn had kept her warm all day and led to her spending an inordinate amount of time agonising over whether to change her style of dress for the upcoming evening. She could feel herself trying to imagine her body through Janeway's eyes and wondering how attractive she appeared even now as she dragged the Captain behind her to where they were going.   
  
_ Ridiculous. I am malfunctioning. Choosing clothes to please another person is completely illogical. It must be the most inefficient activity I have ever participated in.  _ __   
__   
And yet another part of her was thrilled at having been called elegant; even more so at having understood that the Captain had wanted to say far more. She liked the feel of the soft material of her shirt on her arms and she had committed to her memory the way Janeway's eyes drank in her body in these new clothes before she looked away.   
  
Other members of the crew seemed equally impressed by her attire when she and the Captain finally entered the mess hall but no one else's opinion on the matter held any interest for Seven whatsoever. Rowdy greetings and faux admonishments were administered as they sat down, a little pink-cheeked from the rushed journey, the embarrassment of being late and the thrill of having held hands the whole way there.   
  
The evening started to proceed exactly as Seven had assumed it would and she tried hard to make small talk and appear polite, channelling all her remaining energy into not constantly staring at the burning and beautiful presence of Janeway beside her.    
  
Just as the table was being cleared, Tom Paris lent over smiling genuinely, letting out a throwaway comment he judged completely harmless.    
  
"It's great to see you looking so jovial and sociable, Captain. It’s been a while. Thought you were gonna go all "void" on us again there for a bit."   
  
Seven was the only person who noticed the pulse of pure tension shoot through Janeway’s body and heard her breath catch. She felt her own fists clench at the insensitivity and stupidity of the remark and understood for the first time how humans could get into physical confrontations over a mere sentence. Immediately, her hand found its way under the table and onto the older woman’s leg. It had been instinctive, an act of silent friendship and support but as she felt the heat of the skin through thin material, she realised it was a mistake. The implants covering her fingers allowed her to detect an undeniable increase in Kathryn’s heart rate, even as she struggled to control her own physical responses to the proximity. Trying hard to concentrate on the swirl of voices swimming around her and wondering how soon she could now extricate herself, she felt the other woman’s hand suddenly cover hers, the thumb gently brushing against her wrist. The Captain remained in the same position, resolutely focused on the conversation she had ostensibly been listening to all along, not even glancing to the side at Seven.

_ How can I now remove my hand? I think I will lose my mind if I cannot. Too close. This part of her leg is too close to…..another place. Would she ever let me…..? _

Seven’s thoughts threatened to burst entirely out of control when, as quickly as she had placed it, Janeway withdrew her hand.

“Sorry, I think my palm is clammy,” she said breathily in a whisper no one else could possibly hear. 

_ Your hand is soft and warm. Firm. I love how it fits over mine. I want it all over my body. _

Seven didn’t trust herself to speak. Instead, she took what she had taken to be a hint and removed her own hand, swallowing audibly. She was nagged by a vague feeling she had done something wrong as Janeway stood up purposefully to join a small number of others moving away from the table to mingle. A fleeting look of intense irritation passed over the Captain’s features, gone as quickly as it had appeared. Seven didn’t miss it and she felt her stomach clench mysteriously in response.  

Over the next couple of hours, the Captain moved from group to group, conversing easily with her usual mix of charm and wit, a drink in hand and a smile which didn’t quite reach her eyes. As she continued to studiously ignore Seven, time seemed to stretch out and become endlessly miserable for the young woman. It wasn’t long before she felt her temper beginning to build dangerously until it was mixed with a keen and gaping sense of rejection and confusion growing inside her. She found it impossible to concentrate on any interaction, constantly hyper-aware of where Janeway was, what she was discussing and how her fingers moved over the rim of her empty glass distractedly.

_ I can endure no more of this.  _

Even though desperate to leave, she felt drawn back towards the Captain and her superficial smile, needing to take some immediate action short of simply throttling her and demanding a public explanation for her behaviour. Seven slowly approached her group, silent hot rage creeping up her spine. 

“Captain, I am going. I must speak with you before I leave.”

“Just wait a minute. Harry was right in the middle of telling us all a very interesting story.” She made no attempt to disguise her distaste at the interruption. Seven could feel her own hands fidgeting by her sides. 

_ What is wrong with me now? _

“Nevertheless I require your presence now.” Her voice was low and hard. “It will not wait, Kathryn.” 

Janeway looked at her as though she was seeing her for the first time that evening.  Seven saw shock and no small amount of anger reflected in the other woman’s eyes before she spoke, managing to still sound every part the relaxed, off duty Captain.

“Please excuse us, gentlemen. Harry - I’ll catch the end of the tale later, I’m sure.”

Seven’s arm was suddenly grasped by a hand pressing slightly tighter than necessary and she was lead out of the room and into the corridor just beyond the doors.

“What the hell is going on that makes you think you can butt in like that and embarrass me by ordering me around in front of my own senior staff? What’s this about?” 

Seven knew the other woman’s tone to be dangerous but was already so angry she barely trusted herself to open her own mouth. She could feel her hands shaking, her inability to control the reactions of her own body making her even angrier. When she spoke, her voice was harsh and far louder than usual.

“I do not know, Kathryn. What  **is** this about? Why have you not even acknowledged my presence all evening? Why do you act one way with me one moment and then another minutes later?” The volume of her voice was still rising. “Why do you treat me as though we have a…….friendship, an important friendship immediately before you refuse to even glance in my direction? For nearly three hours.” 

“What? You know I can’t always talk just to you and be just with you. Regardless of what either of us wants.” She looked briefly surprised at her own words but quickly recovered. “There were a lot of people this evening and you know that it’s my duty to spend time with each and every one of them. Even when off duty. We spend so much time together as it is, people…” The Captain floundered, speaking quickly but sounding no less irritated. She had a telltale glint of anger in her eyes when she spoke next. “And you  **cannot** do that when there are other people around.” She gritted her teeth. “Do you understand? That is way beyond what is acceptable. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that.”

Even through the haze of unfamiliar, competing emotions Seven was suddenly completely thrown. “Do….what?” she managed finally.

“What you did earlier, Seven. You can’t…...touch me like that. What if another crew member had seen? What would they think about...us? Hell, what would they think about me?”

Seven could feel her cold anger at Tom Paris as the moment replayed in her head all over again. “Your crew would think that we have become friends. Close friends. That perhaps Mr Paris had been unbelievably idiotic - hardly a surprise to anyone on this ship.” Her voice softened, though only slightly. “They would think that I wanted you to know that I was right next to you. And that, in those moments of darkness, I always will be. I needed to tell you that. And I believe that you needed to know it.”

“No…..No, I didn’t.” Janeway exhaled with a huge puff  of frustration. “I know I have told you some things and we have become friends, quite close even.

_ That is something of an understatement. _

“But when there are other people around, I never need anything. How you still not get  this by now? I am their Captain. And yours for that matter. I don’t need friends, support. Or your infernal kindness. They certainly can never know how I…..how I am sometimes. They can’t know about that. They have to see only my strength. Not…..the opposite.”  

With that, it was as though something in Seven snapped. She hadn’t realised she had been holding back during their interaction so far, but now she certainly wasn’t. Listening to herself as she started to speak, she wondered if she had ever even raised her voice like this at anyone before. 

“Captain Janeway, you have the emotional intelligence of plasma relay, possibly less. When you talk like this, I sometimes wonder how anyone so utterly clueless about other people and themselves could have ever been placed in command of a Starfleet vessel. Quite aside from that particular error in judgement, you are the single most maddening individual I have ever met.”   

She was still speaking as the doors behind them opened and a small but rowdy group of slightly tipsy men and women emerged. Caught up in their own conversations as they moved off, they barely gave a glance back. Nevertheless, Janeway snapped her glance back to Seven with horror in her eyes, mixed with pure rage.

“We need to take this conversation elsewhere,” she virtually spat out through gritted teeth.

Before the younger woman could protest, she felt a hand reach for hers and grab it anything but gently. Their roles from earlier reversed, Janeway was now pulling her forcefully through the corridors but with none of the giddy, hopefulness of a few hours before.  

When they made it to the Captain’s quarters, Seven found she was breathing heavily, warring emotions still fighting for dominance inside her mind. 

_ I have no idea what I am doing here. I do not understand if I already regret what I have said, or if I still want to say even more. How is it possible to feel both simultaneously? _

She stayed silent, wondering how long they could simply stand like this, staring each other down. Janeway had her arms folded across her chest, a stone cold look on her face. After what felt like an eternity, though, she was the one who cracked first.

“Well, out with it. Whatever the hell more you wanted to shout at me just then in front of my senior staff on their way to quarters. You’ve clearly got a lot to say.” 

“I do have a lot to say, Kathryn.” She found herself more measured now, her voice icy. But she knew that if she kept going, she would never be able to put the words back inside her. “You will not interrupt me.” It wasn’t a question but Janeway nodded sharply after a moment. “You have damaged me. This evening, I mean. You have hurt me. And confused me.” She paused but continued, feeling some of her earlier anger starting to return. “As always, you are contrary and infuriating. You have insisted repeatedly that human friendships are vital for my development. I have been encouraged to build relationships with individuals around me, to provide and seek support, to spend time with those in whose presence I find….pleasure. You have also chosen to spend considerable time with me, to confide in me. I believed we were building a strong friendship, that we cared for each other. I do not understand why I now should pretend that friendship does not exist when other people are present. Especially when we are all off duty. I cannot see why you would act as you did tonight. It was hurtful. More, it was unnecessary.”

There was a moment when Janeway looked as though she would speak but she was silenced before she could even begin by nothing more than a look from Seven. The Captain held up her hands in mock surrender as the other woman started up again.

“Earlier, you were in distress.” She moved half a step closer as she spoke. “I find now that your body language is not difficult to read. At that time, it was unacceptable to me that I was not physically in contact with you. I did not care who saw. Why should you? Why do you insist on this ludicrous charade of appearing invulnerable in front of the crew? They do not want a Borg for a Captain.” She sighed heavily but pressed on. “Why do you believe that displaying specific emotions is a sign of weakness? From what I have learnt of humanity by now, it seems that mindless strength is always a characteristic to aspire to. What does it mean anyway? You wish to be superhuman? Indestructible? An android? You will never been any of those things. Kathryn, I have only been human a very short time and even I can see that you are an even more emotionally complex and driven individual than most.”

Janeway was still standing but her arms were now by her sides, her head slightly bowed. 

_ She looks even smaller somehow. Have I done this to her? I want to touch her so badly. How incongruous - even when I want to shout at her, I am still thinking about holding her close to me. About how her skin feels against mine. _

When she continued, Seven spoke more quietly, finding her voice tired from use and her emotions almost spent. “Your sadness, your…..darkness is not a weakness. It is simply a fact, a part of who you are. However, the depths of tenacity and resolve that you show in continuing to fight it time and time again are admirable characteristics. Have you ever considered that your crew might actually find their own lives a little easier if you could let yourself be more human in front of them? Many of them also struggle with their own negative emotions. What example are you setting when you show them that this is something to be ashamed of - something they should never allow others to see? That we should all simply suffer by ourselves? This is hardly leading by example. There is no strength or good judgement in needlessly striving to bear as much as you possibly can, alone and unsupported. Especially not when there are so many people who care about you, Kathryn.”

_ Me not least among them. _

She wasn’t even sure she was making sense anymore. Outside the mess hall, there had been so many things she knew she needed to say; in the end none of it had come out of her mouth. 

_ Why did I not just leave the party? Who am I to say any of this to her? Let her act how she wants. She always does anyway. I want to be alone now. _

And yet, when Janeway finally glanced up and there were tears in her eyes, it was more than Seven could physically bear. She lead the older woman over to the couch and sat her down, turning her until they were facing one another, her hands on the Captain’s shoulders.

“Seven you don’t understand. My crew…..a Captain, I have to……” Janeway’s voice was shaky and unsure, a tone the younger woman had never really heard from her before. 

“Listen to me And this is the last I will say. I have known you for some time now. You are infuriatingly impulsive, illogical and reckless. As a Captain, it is clear that your emotions are your compass - in this area it is one of your greatest assets. Kathryn, you have the biggest heart of any individual I have met so far. This entire crew respects the fact that it is this heart even more than your intellect which makes you such an exceptional leader. Why do you keep your feelings so carefully controlled in the rest of your life?” Seven realised she was no longer merely talking about their friendship but couldn’t seem to stop herself, even as she wiped away an errant tear from Janeway’s cheek. “It is almost dishonest. Sometimes I believe that I am special to you. I feel that……..” She took a breath and the unfinished sentence hung in the air. “And then this evening, you treated me as though I was less important to you than anyone else in the room. Then which of these is true? And how am I to know?”  

She stopped and shook her head, absolutely exhausted. She had been so sure that she would find herself relieved after expressing at least some of her anger.  Now, however, she was simply drained and empty. The other woman still seemed a little stunned, her eyes full of tears. Seven had never seen an expression of such misery on the face of another person and she pulled the Captain to her, unable to say any more. 

_ She will never answer any of these questions I asked. And we will never be the same as we were, now. She still hasn’t said anything. Maybe she will never talk to me again. Even with her in my arms, I can almost feel her walking away from me. Why did I lose control of myself? I have destroyed everything there was between us. And anything there ever could have been. I am so tired.  _

Suddenly, it became too much for her. Overwhelmed beyond anything she would have thought possible and without another word, she let go of the Captain and walked out. She was sure she heard Janeway say something indecipherable over the sound of the door as it closed. She told herself she didn’t care what it was. 


	5. The place where we were going all along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No more slow burn to see here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter oddly difficult to write so am dedicating it to the wonderful and supportive people who've left kudos so far but especially to those who have written really kind and inspiring comments on the last 4 chapters. You guys have pushed me to stop overthinking what I wasn't 100% happy with in this chapter and stop procrastinating with it. THANK YOU :) And stay tuned, lovelies - I still have two delicious chapters to go!  
> The chapter title is from the adorable song Rainbow Connections - "Everything that had to go right, everything that had to go wrong, that led us to the place where we were going all along."

_ If she doesn’t come back in ten seconds she can’t have heard what I said. Ok, twenty seconds. Thirty? Worse, she did hear and she didn’t care. Or that was exactly why she kept running. Shit, what the hell have I done? _

Kathryn Janeway put her head in her hands and kicked her shoes angrily across the room before pulling off and discarding her stockings.

_ Please come back. Seven, please come back to me. What did she say? Less important to me than anyone else in the room? God, if only she knew. _

The longer she waited, replaying every second of the evening’s conversations, the more her hope ebbed away. She realised, at least, that she was relaxing a little, no longer listening and praying for the door to chime every second. But at the same time she could feel a deep, dark chasm opening up inside her chest where her heart was supposed to be. 

_ Come on, Kathryn you idiot. You go to her. And then do what, damnit? She left me here.  _

The Captain was right on the verge of asking the computer for Seven’s location but stopped herself short. She knew exactly where the other woman would be walking; knew every well-practised step of the journey between here and Cargo Bay Two. 

_ I wish I was there waiting for her. Surely that’s why we have transporter technology.  _

Even the idea of it filled her with such visceral terror that it made her stomach somersault in uncharacteristic anxiety.

_Dammit_ _ , come on. How are you ever going to do your job if that’s how your body reacts just at the thought of seeing her? I’ve spoken it out loud once already. I can do it again. Hell, only I could manage to say something so important to the inside of my own damn door. Coward. _

It took a few minutes more for her to locate even an ounce of the courage and resolve which she could call upon so automatically in her professional life. When she finally did, she stood up clenching her fists, and stepped out of the door with great trepidation.

_ Right, Cargo Bay Two. I can do this. _

Her breath caught in her chest immediately as she turned to head down the corridor. “Seven,” she said incredulously “how long have you been here?” The young woman was facing away from her, leaning her forehead and hands against the cool of the bulkhead.

_ Oh, what a stupid, sorry pair we are. She looks like hell. _

“Since I left your quarters.” Her voice was shaky. Janeway found herself stepping forward and reaching her own unsteady hand out as if to anchor them both. She placed it gingerly on the young woman’s lower back. “I believe that was 10.8 minutes ago. I wished to get back to the Cargo Bay as quickly as I could but I found myself unable to…...walk away.”

“So you have just been…….?”

“Standing here. Yes. Several crew members I hope never to encounter again have already enquired after my health as they passed by.” Janeway gently turned her around until they were face to face, letting her hands pause on Seven’s shoulders. Only now did she see how red the other woman’s eyes were from crying. She pulled her into a tight hug without even a second’s thought, her own heart aching acutely. “I wondered if I should tell them that I have developed allergies.”

“We’re on a spaceship, sweetheart. I’m not sure that’s even possible.”

“It is something B’Elanna says when she is caught expressing emotions.”

“I believe she’s being facetious, Seven.”

“An activity which you know I also enjoy, Captain.”

Janeway started to smile in spite of herself at the weak attempt at humour, so relieved to find the earlier anger between the two of them had already dissipated completely. After only a moment, Seven took advantage of their proximity and, seeming more unsure than ever, started to move her hand slowly and carefully up and down Kathryn’s back.

_ Damn woman, get her back out of the corridor and into your quarters quickly.  _

The easy and natural tenderness between them reestablished, Seven looked more like herself as she lent back, even raising one eyebrow quizzically. 

“Kathryn, you are not wearing shoes.”

And they both laughed, a pure and bright sound that chased away any of the remaining tension and hurt which had come between them so recently.

“Come back into my quarters. Please? We need to talk about….well, everything.” Janeway fought the urge to make a very unprofessional noise for a starship Captain as she felt one of Seven’s hands creep up to the nape of her neck and begin to play through her hair. It was so intoxicating she only just managed to hold onto her train of thought.  “But, and this is important, whatever we discuss, whatever I ask you and you ask me, I want both of us to speak with complete honesty.”

“I always speak with complete honesty. Do you not?”

_ You walked right into that, Kathy. For goodness’ sake don’t keep digging. _

“Then don’t….miss out anything important. Don’t tell a half-truth or avoid even mentioning something because it’s difficult. I think we both do that plenty. And don’t tell me something because you think it’s what I want to hear. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I am sure we both know the latter at least is something that I never do, Kathryn.”

_ Exasperating woman. _

“Can you be serious for a minute? Will you do what I’ve asked?” As she spoke, already regretting the break in physical contact, she started to move towards the door, both dreading and hoping that Seven would follow. She did.

“Acceptable.” The doors closed behind them and Seven shed her blue shirt immediately with a cursory explanation. “It is damp.” Her cheeks coloured slightly. “I used it to….wipe my eyes.” 

The Captain struggled with the urge to wrap the younger woman up in her arms again and never, ever let go. Instead she tried to remember where she had wanted to start; what she actually needed to say. Now that they were here, she realised, she had made no further plan beyond getting them through the door.

_ I don’t know how she can see right through me; so much of what she said earlier is true. I need to tell her and to make sure she knows how sorry I am...about all of it. And what an idiot I’ve been. Don’t make another mess of this now. _

But it was the younger woman who spoke first. “Before anything else, under the terms of your honesty policy, I wish to ask one initial question.” Immediately relieved at the temporary reprieve she thought it would allow her, Janeway nodded her agreement. “What did you say as I was walking out?”

_ Fuck fuck fuck. That’s going to get us to the point pretty quickly. Well, maybe it’s better than dragging this out and then making a horrible mess of it. _

“Maybe you should sit down?”

_ Whilst I replicate a bottle of whiskey. _

“And aren’t you cold? Do you need a sweater?” 

Seven looked at her with undisguised curiosity. “You designed the rules. Answer my question. You are avoiding it quite ineffectually.”

“No, I’m simply….” Seven gave her a witheringly unimpressed look. 

_ She can only have picked that one up from me.  _

The Captain tried again, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest. “So as you remember, you said you sometimes feel you’re special to me but sometimes you feel otherwise. You asked which was true out of…..” 

“I recall perfectly what I said. It is what you said that I did not hear. You will tell me now, please. Word for word.”

“I said,” she whispered so quietly that Seven had to move right in close to her to hear. Kathryn cleared her throat, closed her eyes and took a very, very deep breath, “I said - the truth is that I’m completely in love with you.” 

_ Maybe if I stay completely still with my eyes shut, this moment will just last forever and we’ll never have to talk about it. Ok, keep breathing. At least I hope now she can begin to understand why I was such an ass this evening. Maybe I’ll never be able to look her in the face again, but she’ll know I never meant to hurt her even for a second. I couldn’t if my life depended on it. _

“Look at me, Kathryn.”

“I can’t.” It was so quiet in the room she could hear nothing but her own heart roaring in her ears.

_ I actually can’t. I must be going crazy. Come on, how did you ever make it through command training, you hopeless woman?  _

“Look at me.”

“Why?” Exasperated with herself, she knew she was playing for time and but found she was unable to help it. When soft, trembling hands cupped her face, she was startled into meeting Seven’s gaze. She could barely process the unbelievably stark emotions she thought she read there. 

“Because your eyes are beautiful.” 

_ I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming. Oh, please, let me never wake up.  _

“Although It would be more accurate to say that I find each and every part of you constantly and distractingly beautiful.” Looking quite unlike herself, Seven gave an almost mischievous half smile. “It decreases my efficiency significantly.” Kathryn swallowed loudly, suddenly finding both of the young woman’s hands exploring her bare arms, leaving trails of goose-flesh in their wake. “Now, tell me again.”

It was almost easier this time. Although still holding a lot back, she felt nearly ready to explode with joy, freer than she had for years, “I’m in love with you, Seven of Nine. I’m so in love with you. I was absolutely terrified earlier - I’ve been fighting so damn hard to hide it but I thought tonight, when you touched my leg, that the whole world must be able to see. I half expected the red alert klaxon to go off.” Slightly self-conscious, she nuzzled her face a little closer against the young woman’s, content for now just to be able to stand and hold her like this, the pretence of friendship finally laid to rest.

“I think, then, in the interests of “complete honesty”, I should perhaps tell you that I have also been in love with you for a long time, Kathryn.” She held Janeway’s face away from her own and ran her thumb around the edge of the other woman’s mouth, gasping after a moment when she felt a tongue and teeth surrounding and caressing it. “And that I fully intend to be for the rest of my life.” Amazed by the words and by the taste and sensation of Borg metal and unbelievably soft skin under her lips, Kathryn finally let herself believe that this was really happening. She grabbed the cotton of Seven’s tank top and pulled the other woman hard against her, their bodies colliding. She teased at her mouth slowly at first, brushing over the outside of it, memorising every inch. Impossibly, her heart started to race even faster as she bit gently down on Seven's lower lip and felt the young woman moan softly before pulling her in hard against her own mouth, hot, wet and open. Their hands roamed each other's hair and necks, bringing them closer still, forcing the kiss deeper and deeper until they were both shaking. It was a long time before either of them wanted to stop, even to catch their breath. “Also, Kathryn, I think it entirely possible that we may be a pair of complete idiots. Do you realise that we could have been doing this for months or even years?” Their eyes met and undisguised desire sparked between them as they both smiled. “However, much I tried, I never believed you could love me. It was…..deeply painful. And, even if you could, I was sure you would find ridiculous reasons not to - your command, our age difference, my relative inexperience with humanity and emotions…...”

“None of that matters. Not in the face of how I feel about you. It was only my own stupid fear. I was absolutely petrified. I still am. You won’t believe it after everything we’ve been through, but I’ve never been so frightened of anything in my life. Scared that you wouldn’t want me but, I think, even more scared that you would. I’ve ever experienced anything like this before…….what I feel sometimes, my emotions…..it’s too much….” She took a breath before she could continue. “I’m terrified. I don’t like not being in control, especially of myself. I don’t like it one bit.”

Seven raised one eyebrow. “I would never have guessed.”

Janeway snorted against her cheek. “Your sarcasm is almost semi-professional. Maybe you should spend less time with our dear doctor?” She reached up, planting gentle kisses in a line down Seven’s neck and delighting in the feeling of the other woman reacting against her with tangible pleasure. “Really, it completely overwhelms me sometimes. I feel like I’m drowning. I have no idea what to do with feelings like this - like I have for you.”

“I have a number of ideas regarding what you could do with them right now.” Kathryn felt herself being pulled back into the deepest of kisses, a pair of hands suddenly on her outer thighs, reaching up under the hem of her dress. She didn’t break the contact, but reached down and gently covered the hands with her own, holding them in place, feeling again the blend of metal and skin, and marvelling at the juxtaposition of the textures and temperatures. Seven moved back and looked deep into her eyes, her face gentle but a little bemused.

“It is too soon. You do not wish to…?”

“No, I do. I really do wish to.” And through no conscious thought of her own, her hips angled towards the younger woman as she pulled her back closer until their foreheads were touching.  

_ Complete honesty………..Complete honesty. It would help if I could think at all. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be set on fire.  _

“So, okay. I…….find this very difficult. Physical intimacy, I….I’m not very good at it. I mean, at being able to let go and enjoy it and….” She knew she was starting to babble. “At being comfortable enough and confident enough to do what I want in the moment, and to let things happen. It’s also about losing control. I just….I can’t usually let myself.” She paused. “I’ve never actually told anyone this before.” Seven leaned up and kissed the top of her head. Janeway smiled. “You are everything to me and this, this is so incredible. I still can’t believe that I’m awake. And I’m scared, I told you.I don’t want to mess this up.”

There was a moment when both of them were silent, neither quite knowing what to say next. But then the younger woman smiled. “I can assure you Kathryn, you will not “mess this up”. If it is any help at all,” she leaned in and whispered into her ear, “I can tell you that I have fantasised about this many, many times and you were always exceptional.” 

Kathryn gave a groan that was half arousal, half despair. “I think that makes it worse.”

Seven’s face suddenly lit up as though she had been struck with an ingenious idea. “Do you trust me?” 

“Of course. Completely.”

“Then give it to me.”

“What?” 

“Control. Give me control; hand it over to me. She looked exceptionally pleased with herself. “It will be like handing over command of the bridge.” Her eyes started to cast about the room.

“Seven? What are you…”

“We must have something symbolic,” she interrupted. “I wish for…” She stopped and Janeway followed her glance to the central table in the living area. Four shiny Captain’s pips still lay where they had been hurriedly discarded earlier that evening.

_ Was I really wearing them just a few hours ago? I feel like my whole life has changed since then. _

“They will do.” Seven ran her hands up the back of the other woman’s neck, tangling them in her hair. She kissed her fiercely. “Bring them here.” Kathryn did as she was told, amazed to feel her arousal heightening not just at the sound of the young woman’s commanding tone, but at her own willingness to follow it.  

_ Who would have known how hot I would find it to obey her orders? I’ve never let someone boss me around like this before. I’d probably have throttled anyone who even tried.  _

“You will tell me immediately if you are not comfortable, if you do not like anything, or if you wish to stop. Aside from that, though, you will try to “let go.” I can be in control of what happens next.” Seven eyed her up and down appreciatively. “And of your body.” Kathryn shivered, a thrill of nervousness and excitement travelling right through her and settling between her legs. “Will you comply?” Seven looked like a cat about to pounce on mouse almost within its grasp.

Kathryn stopped in front of her, breathless, and held out her hand gingerly. “I…..yes,......take them. Take……..take me.”

_ What the hell is she doing to me? Whatever it is, I’m all in. I surrender. _

“Lie on the couch, Kathryn. No, on your front, please.”

“My….my dress?” 

“Leave it on.”

Janeway lay down and stretched hands up above her head, her whole body now aching to be touched. She felt Seven positioning herself carefully where she had easiest access to her legs. The younger woman wasted no time in beginning to gently massage her calves, skilfully applying just the right amount of pressure. 

“You will relax, Kathryn. As you say, you should be entirely comfortable. Your skin here is so soft, so…….perfect. I love touching you.” 

She knew exactly what she was doing, and it was anything but relaxing; every touch slowly building up the tension in Janeway’s body, chipping away at her power to control herself. The Captain knew that she was shifting under the motions, constantly seeking greater contact with the hands that were driving her to distraction. She gasped audibly when she felt fingers creeping a little higher up her thighs. But Seven took her time, lingering over every chance to savour and caress the sensitive skin under her hands before moving on to kissing and nibbling at it gently.  

After what felt like minutes and minute, Kathryn reached the limits of what she could endure. “Please.” She pressed desperately against the sofa, feeling a hand slide up her inner thigh and then stop, tantalisingly close to exactly where she wanted it. Each nerve in her body seemed to be screaming out for more. “Please, please Seven, make love to me.” She had never begged anyone like this before. She didn’t care. “I’m going to die if you don’t. I need you, now.”

“Stand up.” She could hear Seven’s own undisguised ragged breathing as she spoke. 

“What?”

“Stand up.” As she started to move slowly, her whole body tingling with anticipation, she saw the younger woman’s face; saw how she was biting her own lower lip. “I think….I think you will like this.” She sounded suddenly vulnerable, but only for an instant. As she pulled Kathryn up towards her, her eyes were wild again, and shamelessly full of lust. Seven smoothly turned her as she stood, positioning them so that she was behind Kathryn, so close they could feel the heat from one another’s bodies, but still not quite touching. 

_ She’s playing with me, torturing me. I can’t take much more of this. I love it. _

“What I really should have said earlier when I first saw you in this dress,” Kathryn jumped at the sound of Seven’s voice just behind her ear, and at the assault of lips suddenly making their way down her neck, “was that I want to devour you. To taste every part of you.” Knowing that her legs weren’t going to hold her up much longer, Janeway closed her eyes, and tried to focus on each minute sensation. She wanted to commit every second of this to memory. She moaned at a break in contact until she felt perfect kisses making their way up her calves only seconds later. When they reached the bottom of her dress, Seven didn’t even pause, brushing the material up out of the way as she continued to gently bite and lick the back of the Captain’s thighs. This time there was no protest whatsoever. Janeway felt herself being turned roughly around, her eyes immediately meeting those of the younger woman who, quaking on her knees, had an expression which was practically feral.

“Please,” Kathryn said again, almost crying out as she reached the limits of what she could physically stand without losing her mind entirely. She was sure Seven could tell how wet and aroused she was, a fact confirmed when she heard the young woman mutter something she had never thought to hear escape her lips. 

“Fuck,” Seven groaned against the copious moisture she found as she discarded Kathryn’s underwear. There was no time to reply or even to think as Janeway felt strong hands move themselves onto her buttocks, pulling her most intimate place against a hot, delicious mouth that seemed to part her and find its mark immediately. She had thought she would be ready to explode at the slightest touch but found herself being held and tortured on the edge of oblivion with the lightest of pressure from Seven’s tongue and lips moving just where she needed them. It was better than anything she had ever imagined. And she had imagined. No one had ever played her body like this; Seven reacted to every tiny movement and sound she made to find ways to give her even greater pleasure while keeping her poised on the brink.

_ It’s like she’s tuned into me. All those awkward encounters with other people - I thought it was always like that the first time with someone new. Sometimes it didn’t even get much better. I’m not sure I ever realised sex could be like this in real life. _

Seven raised her head to meet the other woman’s eyes and they shared a look of almost frightening passion that went far beyond the mere physical. Kathryn reached down and ran her hands through Seven’s hair, pulling her in even closer. Almost immediately, she felt her hands pinned back to her sides, the tight grip on her wrists somehow only adding to the heat and intensity of her need.

“Do not distract my focus.” Seven was grinning when she glanced up. “I am conducting research. I have discovered that taste is most certainly not irrelevant. You taste…..mind-blowing.” Lost in pleasure, Janeway arched her back, feeling Seven shift incrementally. She felt the young woman nudge at her leg to reposition them slightly and then lost all sense of herself as she felt Seven’s incredible mouth move lower. 

_ Nothing else matters, only this. Only her.  _

She cried out loud when she felt Seven’s tongue enter her, the intimacy and eroticism of the moment turning her legs to jelly; she managed to stay upright only because of the strong, loving hands holding her in place.

“You will come for me now, Kathryn.”

It was an impossible command to resist as she felt that talented mouth and tongue around and inside her again, pushing her over the edge hard and carrying her through an intense orgasm and numerous shuddering aftershocks that seemed to go on and on.

Then she was being held in warm, comforting arms and pulled close. Seven brushed away tears from her face and looked at her with slight concern and complete love.

“Kathryn?”

“I’ve never been…..no one has ever……..done that before. I mean, like that, inside me like that. It was…...perfect. You’re fucking perfect.” She glanced down, starting to laugh. “Hell, we’re not even undressed.”

They held each other for a long time, Kathryn repeatedly raising her head to taste herself on Seven’s lips. She knew she couldn’t even begin to put what she was feeling into words and just hoped she would find a way when her body finally stopped buzzing. Eventually, Seven spoke. “I have made some observations about you, Kathryn. I believe you very much enjoyed having your hands held back by me when you wanted to touch.”

_ I think I did. She knows me better than I know myself. She’s already found things out about me I never even realised until today. _

“I believe that, if you permit it, we could experiment with further ways of restraining you in the future. I think, in the end, you gave up control to me quite eagerly.”

The young woman could barely finish the sentence before she felt her mouth being covered, and then completely owned. Almost immediately, she felt the hands move down from her hair to find the edges of her clothing. Kathryn undressed her so quickly that Seven was gasping in her arms, her back suddenly being pressed up against the wall. The younger woman’s hands ran down over the Captain’s hips and migrated down to pull at the hem of her dress even as Janeway took soft, pink nipples in her mouth, feeling them hardening under the teasing and brushing of her tongue. A part of her wanted to pause there forever, just listening to the noises she elicited with every slight movement over flushed skin. She lost her dress somewhere among sounds of material ripping and felt nails starting to dig into her back as they both crossed the border into well out of control. 

Her mouth moved up to Seven’s neck and her hands trailed down to the narrow, pale reaches of her lower back. She could feel the young woman quivering under her touch and when she wrapped her arms around her tightly, offering her the only kind of wordless promise she could, she realised that both their hearts were beating furiously. Lifting her head up to look at Seven properly, Janeway caught her shining, blue eyes dancing over the lines of her own body before they bounced back up to meet her gaze. She had never felt beautiful before; had never seen someone look at her with such unguarded admiration. She felt as though she hadn’t taken a proper breath into her lungs for minutes. Kathryn started to run her fingers down Seven’s lower chest and the gentle curves of her stomach, seeing the entreaty etched on the young woman’s face when her fingers finally reached their destination and found themselves playing over a small, rounded triangle of pale hair. She let out an audible gasp when she felt for the first time how wet Seven was for her and, as she kissed her yet again, she felt the young woman’s legs opening, inviting her hand into the place it most wanted to be. They locked eyes again and there was nothing but trust and desire in Seven’s eyes, so unashamed and so raw that Kathryn felt her heart leap.

She had barely begun to move her fingers over the dripping smoothness between the other woman’s legs when Seven started to move in synch, trying her hardest to press her whole body up against Janeway and arching her hips away from the wall where her shoulders were lent. Kathryn was torn between wanting to tease Seven until she was screaming her name and, at the same time, wanting to make her come in mere seconds. 

The Captain reached back and took off her bra with one hand, moving herself closer to Seven, giddy when she heard the moans the young woman let out as she rubbed the growing hardness of her own nipples against her. Her fingers traced shapes over the hardened, burning hotness of her clitoris, its warmth running through her fingertips as she changed her movements, forcing  herself to step back and slow her hand every time she heard Seven’s breath start to quicken and felt her hips move more violently. But each time she heard a panted “Kathryn”, it was like a wave striking her and she was overwhelmed by a swooping feeling, over and over, in the pit of her stomach. Ignoring her own desperate need to be touched again, she caught Seven’s arms in mid-air every time she attempted to return the caress.

_ Two can play that game. I want her undistracted.  _

Kathryn pulled her away from the wall and down so that Seven was knelt over her own legs on the floor, her hand still between them, holding the young woman right on the very edge. Seven gasped out, louder and more wonderfully than Janeway had ever thought she would, as she slid two fingers carefully inside her. She let them find the right pace together and then curled her fingers harder, firmer, up against the wall of her. No longer holding back anything, Kathryn found herself confessing something she had never believed she would. “You have no idea how many times I’ve done this to myself, imagining it was you.” And she felt Seven come around her fingers, heard her cry out with the intensity of it and with each ripple afterwards.

Janeway held her on the floor, trembling and panting, both of them stupid with love. Wrapped around her, she could feel every inch of the young woman’s skin where it touched hers, hyper-aware of each texture, temperature and smell. 

“Your insecurities were certainly unfounded, Kathryn. You are…..spectacular. Being with you was even better than I had dreamed it would be.

The Captain could feel herself blushing at the words, “Only because it was you, Seven. Because I love you so much and I trust you, completely. Because you made it ok, right from the beginning.” She grinned. “Where did you put my pips?”   


“I will tell you after we have spent several more hours adoring each other and have exhausted ourselves entirely.” Seven smiled, a decidedly wicked look crossing her face. “First of all, I would greatly like to feel you clutching at me again, as you come so hard that you forget who and where you are. That is, if you will comply?” 

“Oh, I will.” Kathryn’s pupils had dilated wildly. “After that, I want you to stay.” 

“Tonight?” 

“Yes.” She paused, but only for a second. “And then, forever.” 


	6. Before I knew what the other choices were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff, some hotness, some chats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is in sight! I know I say it *every chapter* but thank you again to everyone leaving comments and kudos. Please keep them coming - they do genuinely help me help me feel motivated to continue writing. Maybe I'm also just needy :) I hope y'all enjoy this chapter!!
> 
> The title is from the Shane Koyczan's "Apology" (the line: You were the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were.)

They woke up tangled, neither quite recalling when exactly they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, blissfully exhausted. Seven held Kathryn, acutely aware of the gentle rise and fall of her chest and the soft warmth of her skin everywhere they were touching. She kissed the top of her Captain’s head and lowered her face until their eyes met, her heart leaping as they did. Janeway gave her the purest smile she had ever witnessed. Seven had never seen the older woman look quite so full of joy, not even the night before. Her every muscle was relaxed, her limbs fluid, and her breathing slow and easy. 

_ Let every morning from now on start like this.  _

“Kathryn, what are you thinking?”

“That if I could be anywhere in the universe, in any time-frame, I would be right here.” 

The magnitude of the statement hung in the air between them. Her heart full to bursting, Seven pulled her even closer, delighting in how their bodies fit together so perfectly. 

_ Like she was made just for me. _

“What are  _ you _ thinking?” Janeway kissed the young woman’s collarbone as she spoke and Seven felt her whole body react with visceral pleasure.

“There was a moment immediately after I woke up when I believed it must all have been a dream. I have never been so pleased to be wrong.” She buried her face in Janeway’s hair and breathed in the beautiful, intoxicating smell of her. Simply lying entwined like this, she was almost as overwhelmed by the sensory overload as she had been each time they had made love the previous night. She trailed the fingertips of her hybrid human-borg hand over Kathryn’s stomach and between her breasts, thrilled at the ragged breaths this elicited instantly.  She traced lines between the points of the pale constellation on Janeway’s chest and could almost feel her own mouth start to water.

_ I do not know what to do with all this happiness. She has taken me apart.  _

“Next time I wake up before you, I think I will attempt to count your freckles, Kathryn. Every inch of you is…..flawless.” She felt Janeway wriggle her legs to reposition them, sliding one between the young woman’s thighs gently. Seven felt a bolt of liquid heat run straight through her and grasped the Captain’s face to hers, kissing her fiercely, unable to resist the urge to let her hands roam precisely where they wanted. One ran up the outside of a slim thigh and, as their lips parted for a second, she let her other brush lightly over Kathryn’s right nipple. It hardened on contact with her palm. Seven wondered if she would ever get used to the physical response that evoked in her each and every time it happened. She lingered there even after the kiss had ended. Both of them breathless and burning for more, still they held back in some kind of unspoken agreement, instead simply resting their foreheads against one another, smiling a little shyly. 

Janeway hadn’t caught her breath when she half-whispered “And did you manage to sleep last night, sweetheart? I know it isn’t always easy for you.” 

“I did. Staying with you was immensely agreeable.”

“Well, get used to it. I meant what I said last night.”

“I know, Kathryn.” Seven slowly slid her hand around to the soft inside of Janeway’s thigh.  “Besides, it will be a far more efficient use of time.” She raised one eyebrow provocatively. “If I do not spend plenty of time here, I am unsure how I can possibly get enough of you.”

“Pretty sure I’ll never be able to get enough of  _ you _ , regardless.” Even as she spoke, the Captain deftly moved herself in one fluid movement until she was kneeling over the young woman, one knee on either side of Seven’s right thigh.    

_ How can she still take me by surprise like this? _

There was little more time for coherent thought as Kathryn lowered herself onto the sensitive skin below her, angling her own leg against the waiting heat of the other other woman. They gasped almost in unison at the meeting of limbs and very, very willing wetness.

And it did not take long for them both to reach fever pitch, the intensity of the contact matched only by the depth of the emotions driving it. It was messy, writhing, glorious. The look of sheer desire and abandon on Janeway’s face was what finally pushed Seven over the edge. She came hard and long, far more vocal even than she had been previously. Kathryn followed her only seconds later, before collapsing onto the younger woman, wrapping herself around her fiercely. They were both panting, thin layers of sweat covering their bodies.  

“You certainly appear exceptionally well-rested even after our considerable…..exertion last night. Sometimes it seems as though you habitually exist on no sleep at all. Or rather, on caffeine alone. It is an inadequate substitute.” 

“Occasionally I do but last night….well, I slept better than I have for a very long time.”

“Good. Besides, Kathryn, if you do find yourself awake before me, you can always watch over me as I sleep. I do not believe it would be the first time.”

Janeway’s cheeks started to colour noticeably. “You knew?”

“Of course. Each time my regeneration cycle ended and I awoke knowing you had been there, it was rather…..comforting.” Seven, leaning her weight on one arm, lightly kissed Kathryn’s nipples in turn. The electric charge between them reignited.  

_ She was right - can I ever get enough of her? _

“I am unsure how we can now proceed. Even I cannot function efficiently in a work environment when I know how much more profitably we could be using our time together. Ideally every second of it.” 

Janeway groaned but she was smiling seductively. “Surely it’ll be a bit easier to bear than it was when we were torturing ourselves. Trying to deny what we felt. Now at least you know I’m yours. Completely yours.” She bit one of Seven’s earlobes gently, hearing a hissing intake of breath in response. “And you know you can…..have me.” Her voice was low and sensual. “Whenever you want, wherever you want. However you want.”  

_ Nothing I researched could have prepared me for her, for this. I want her every second, even when we have just finished making love. Stop, what exactly did she say? _

“....Wherever I want?” Seven’s face was a picture of intrigue, even when Kathryn met her eyes with defiance. “You may regret that statement.”

“I’m sure I won’t.”

An unspoken question suddenly tugged at the younger woman, twisting her stomach with anxiety and reining in her arousal. “What will happen now? Is it acceptable if people find out? Will we…..tell them?” She was chewing on her own lip unconsciously. 

Kathryn didn’t speak immediately. When she did, her face was thoughtful. “What do you want to happen now? It’s our decision to make together.” She paused and then smiled broadly. “Speaking for myself, there’s not much chance I can hide what I feel about you now. No more than I could take off and fly.” Their lips met in a deep, loving kiss with no sense of urgency. “It’ll take considerable effort and all of my command training to not do  _ that  _ when we’re on duty. And I don’t think I can manage to suppress much more. I’m sure I’m gonna glow like a damn beacon every time you walk in the room.”  

“I will also endeavour to restrain my more…..physical urges in public.” She let her hand wander up to the nape of Janeway’s neck. “But I also do not wish to keep this a secret.” She almost felt more nervous now that the decision had been made. 

_ How is this going to work? _

“Seven, you’re concerned about how the crew will react?” 

“I believe I am. Although,” she continued, several memories occupying her mind simultaneously, “some of them may not be particularly shocked.”

“Indeed?” The Captain’s expression was unreadable.

“A long time ago, for example, Commander Tuvok asked me if your opinion was important to me. I cannot explain exactly why. but I am sure that he knew, even then.” 

Janeway stretched out her muscles, arching her back off the bed. Seven watched in awe.

_ When will I start to truly believe it - that she is mine and I am hers? _

“He probably knew I was falling in love with you before I did.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s always been able to read me like a damn book, pain in my ass that always turns out to be.” As she spoke, laughing, Kathryn started to shiver, the cold air evaporating the remaining moisture on her skin.  

“Does he know….I mean….did you…?” The young woman trailed off in frustration at herself as she pulled the covers up around them.

“Just ask me, Seven. Anything.”

_ Just ask her. _

“Have you ever loved a woman before? Having no evidence that you had was just one more reason I despaired, and was sure you could never care for me.”

“Honest answer?”

“Honest answer.”

“I thought I had, a couple of times. Having said that, I also thought I’d loved a number of men in my life. I think I probably did, in a way. But not like this. I wouldn’t have known the meaning of real love - what it can truly feel like - if I hadn’t met you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Do you understand what I’m saying? I don’t think anyone gets what we have more than once in a lifetime. Probably most people never do.” Seven felt tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. She let them. “However anyone on this crew - my crew - reacts to hearing about us, we’ll deal with it when it arises. Together.” They held each other for long while, both silently thanking their lucky stars that they had so much time to simply be, to share one another’s company after the previous night; and that neither of them had had to be on duty at 0600.

When Seven eventually spoke, her voice was faint, almost sleepy. “Yesterday when you….loved me, you touched every part of me. You ran your hands over my implants as though they were just another part of my skin.”

“Because they are. They  _ are _ just another part of you, and I love every bit of you. To pieces. Sweetheart, what did you think? You really believed  _ that  _ was something I might be thinking about, when I had wanted you for months - no - years? That I would flinch when I felt you had other implants? 

_ I never even imagined it could be possible for anyone not to. _

“I was….terrified of that possibility, yes.” 

Janeway raised herself up to kiss the star-shaped implant on the side of Seven’s face, then moved down to touch her lips in turn to each of the others she could see above the blanket. “You are perfect.” Seven began to speak but Kathryn raised her finger to her lips to stop her. “Yes, you are.” 

_ And now she can read my mind as well. What is this? I need a better word; even ‘love’ is insufficient. _

It was some time before either of them spoke again, their breathing the only sound in the room. “And you? After what you said yesterday, are you still scared, Kathryn?”

“Yes.” 

“Of this? Of how you feel?”

“No.” She tightened her grip on the young woman so hard it was as though she wanted to crawl under her skin, even as she held her. “Of losing this, now that we have it. Of going back to being so desperately miserable without you….I couldn’t.”

“No force in the universe could make that happen. I promise you.”

“You’re very young, Seven. Especially so because you were assimilated as a child. You can be very naive and innocent.” She blushed as her mind was filled with a blazing memory of her most intimate muscles clenching around Seven’s tongue the night before. “Ok, maybe not the latter. But how many individuals have you ever even come into contact with? What if your feelings change as you do meet more people, as you realise that there is a whole world of humanity out there. And that it’s full of simply incredible individuals?” Her face seemed to crumple.  

_ I despair. Hopeless woman - when will she lay these insecurities to rest? _

“It is you who are naive. I do not think you understand the nature of love at all. If you were the only person I had ever met, I would feel for you as I do now. If I had met countless millions of individuals, I would feel for you as I do now. You are not a pair of shoes, Kathryn. I do not need to “try on others for size” to be sure that you are all I want. You _are_ all I want. And need. If I cannot adequately convey or demonstrate this now, you will at least allow me to do so every minute of every day. For the rest of our lives.” Janeway looked her shamefaced, but her eyes were full of love as she nodded. “Do we need to pursue this ridiculous line of conversation any further?” 

“No.” She held Seven’s face in her hands. “I adore you.” 

“That does not make you any less exasperating,” said the young woman kindly. “Now, what else?” 

“I am a little afraid of how I can maintain objectivity when I have a member of my crew who is also my……,” she hesitated, “lover?”

“I approve of the word choice. Continue.”

“It’ll be more than challenging to make decisions which could cause any potential risk to you, even a minor one. Or even affect you in a tiny way.” She sat up, pulling the covers around their shoulders as Seven joined her. 

_ Does she really have no idea? _

“You may be unaware but…….you have never treated me in an objective manner as Captain, and certainly not recently. Why start now?” 

Seven supposed that Kathryn’s attempt to draw her torso up to its full height under nothing more than a shroud of bedclothes was supposed to look dignified. But then she felt herself being jokingly swatted at from the side. 

“I suppose I deserve that.”

“Difficult to say,” Seven swatted back, catching her wrist and drawing it up to her lips for a kiss, “but it is true. That established, do you really believe it will be any more difficult for you to make professional decisions than it was before?”

“I suppose not. And at least now I know I can come home to you every evening and talk through anything on my mind honestly.” She was nearly growling when she spoke next. “Sweetheart, I need you to stop kissing me there if you want this conversation to continue.” Seven could smell Kathryn’s arousal heightening with every touch of her mouth to the smooth skin of her inner forearm. 

_ I don’t want to stop. Ever. But... _

She released her grip on the older woman reluctantly. Janeway smiled wide, even though she continued shifting the position of her hips position minutely, cueing Seven in to the physical cues which showed quite how much she wanted her. It made the Captain look small, somehow exposed and unbelievably beautiful. Seven was struck with the urge to protect her, to care for her and to shield her from all and any possible harm. The best she could do for the moment was food and coffee, leaping up unannounced to the replicator and bringing back steaming mugs before returning for plates of pancakes and fruit. Kathryn took her hand as soon as she sat back on the bed, refusing to let go, however difficult it made the meal to consume. 

“Objectivity problem resolved. Good. Next?” The young woman looked at her Captain expectantly. 

“I am only scared of one more thing.”

“Name it.”

“I can’t. And I don’t want to, not this morning.”

“Will you let me?” Seven said. Janeway signalled her assent silently. “The darkness?” The same nod in response. 

“However happy I feel, there is always some place inside me where I’m terrified. Terrified because I know that it’ll come back one day.”

“Do you remember what you said to me, when I was experiencing multiple personalities? All those people breaking out of me, no control over it.” Seven shuddered even at her own mention of the experience. “You told me that I had to keep trying.” Kathryn’s bright eyes met hers. 

“Did you have any idea of how much I wanted to reach out and kiss you in that moment? I remember,” the Captain sighed, “that is caused me physical pain.” The younger woman leaned her head over so that their temples were touching lightly.

“But what really got me through the worst moments - you told me that my job was to hold on, even when I thought I couldn’t. That is all you can do, Kathryn. Your fears  _ are _ justified. But I’m with you now, every step you take. Even when I can do nothing to help.”

“Just you being there  _ will _ help.” 

“You will be able to hold on and, if you ever can’t, I can manage it for both of us. Just as you have in the past, every time I needed you, and you were right beside me. I hope you know that.” She suddenly stopped and swallowed, hard. “And, Kathryn, what I said yesterday…...it was……inexcusable.”

“It was true, Seven. All of it. I  _ am _ reckless and impulsive in my professional life, in a way that I never let spill over into my personal…..well, not until I declared my undying love for you last night after almost coming to blows in the corridor.” They both laughed. “I am….contrary, was it? I am stubborn…..”  

“I do not believe I called you stubborn.”  

“Really? Well, you could definitely have added it to the list. People usually do. It’s probably my worst quality of the lot.” 

“Kathryn, it’s no excuse but you do understand that I was in pain? I spoke wanting to…...wanting to hurt you, too. I am sorry.” Seven could feel a sensation creeping into her heart that was like a physical ache. “Everything you have just said - those aspects of you may drive me mad sometimes, but they are also each a part of the very long list of reasons why I love you.”

“More than a little contrary yourself, I’d say.” She was smirking as she spoke. “You don’t need to apologise, especially after my own behaviour last night. It was unforgivable.” 

“Apparently not.” Seven kissed Janeway’s nose. 

“I think I needed to hear all of what you said.” The young woman started to interrupt her but was cut off before she could. “But you clearly don’t agree with me. So you are forgiven, too.” 

Seven licked away a trace of syrup at the edge of the older woman’s mouth. “Have you finished eating?” 

“Yes, it was perfect.”

“More coffee?” 

“One was enough. I’m unnaturally full of energy this morning.” 

“I am glad to hear that. We probably have a lot more still to talk about, but neither of us is on duty for some hours yet. I’m afraid that I wish to terminate our conversation now.”

“Now? Why?” Seven’s only answer was to take both of Kathryn’s hands in her own and, raising them to her lips, let her mouth move where it wished over the pale palms and wrists, biting gently down on the exact spots which had awakened the older woman’s desire so acutely earlier. “Oh,” Janeway breathed.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”


	7. Loving whoever you are when the stars shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fitting final chapter for these two and this story's E rating - I admit I got a bit carried away enjoying this and you can probably tell.

It had been a long, painfully boring day with nothing to distract her, or to occupy her ever racing mind. Even after reading and rereading countless reports and finding reasons to consult with nearly every one of the ship’s departments, Captain Janeway had found herself agitated with no obvious outlet or purpose, the quiet in this area of space both unnerving and monotonous in the extreme. It had been less than a week since she and Seven had woken together for the first time but already three days since they had been able to catch more than a few, fleeting moments with each other. The tangible frustration of it burned inside her and spurred her on even faster towards her quarters where she knew the young woman would be waiting. 

_ Hell, it feels like an eternity. We need to make this never happens again when the duty roster is drawn up. I’m like pent up, cranky mess of hormones. Come on, Kathy, how is it that I can’t even survive seventy two hours without her touching me? _

  
The doors opened, then closed, and almost instantly she heard a low voice. "Undress. Now." At first, Janeway bristled at the tone and at the assumption, but it was only for a second. Turning around, she drank in the sight of Seven's powerful, lithe body, the flush of arousal creeping over her cheeks and the possessive, unrestrained want written all over her face. She knew instinctively that the young woman wanted to toy with her a little; to try out some of her hypotheses from their previous encounters, if only Kathryn would let her. 

_ I certainly will. _

She inhaled sharply as the thought caused a pleasurable rush of wetness between her legs. Seven, able to read such physical signs of hers already, broke into a grin of deep, smug satisfaction.    
  
Kathryn undressed as unhurriedly as she could stand, revelling in the act of being watched. She held Seven's eyes defiantly, stripping layer after layer at a torturously slow speed. She gloried in the rising motion of the young woman's chest, her breaths becoming shallower and faster with every moment.   
  
"I can make you pay for teasing me in this manner, Captain." Seven's voice was quiet and infinitely dangerous.   
  
Kathryn's was lower still, her last ounce of self-control stripped away at the sudden incongruous and electrifying use of her title. "I do hope so." She stood entirely naked except for a minimally lacy pair of black cotton panties.   
  
Seven gestured pointedly. "Them?" 

_ I can enjoy playing with you, too. _   
  
"I thought……... _ you _ might want to…..."   
  
"You were mistaken. I told you to undress. Comply."    
  
Kathryn was sure Seven was practically gawping as she inched down her underwear with one thumb. She could see the younger woman struggling to maintain her calm, commanding demeanour. She loved every second of it.   
  
_ Who exactly is in charge here now?  _ __  
  
"Put your arms around my neck." She did as she was told and gasped, unable to catch her breath as she felt strong arms lift her thighs so that she was wrapped around Seven's waist, two steadying hands gripping her buttocks. The young woman had her positioned her close enough that she only had to tilt her hips to make contact between her aching clitoris and the soft skin of Seven's stomach. She couldn't bear not to.    
  
"Kathryn," Seven was gritting her teeth, "I did not tell you it was acceptable to do that." But her eyes widened and she almost lost her grip on the older woman as she felt the full force of the pressure against her. "You are.... soaking." It took her a minute to recover any vestige of self control and to regain a shred of command in her voice. "Desist immediately." Kathryn didn't. Instead, she rubbed herself harder against the young woman, partly desperate for the relief, but even more thrilled at purposefully defying Seven. "Stop this activity at once." Her voice was hard, domineering and the Captain felt her stomach drop pleasantly, blood coursing through her ears in an intoxicating roar.   
  
She was more than a little shocked when Seven abruptly marched them into the bedroom and threw her down on the bed from her full height. As the young woman's eyes devoured her body hungrily, she couldn't help inching her legs open. She knew her pleading expression must speak for itself.    
  


_ I feel like I’ve waited two lifetimes for this, not just a few days.  _

  
"What do you want, Kathryn?" At the question, her mind seemed to burst alive with possibilities; her imagination quickly overwhelmed as she scenario after scenario flitted through her imagination. 

_ What do I want? What do I really want? _

Seven seemed to sense that she was a little lost and unable to voice anything, drowning as she was in waves of lust and sharp desire. "Let me rephrase the question then. What do you need from me most, right now?" 

  
There was far less hesitation this time. "I need you to hold me down." She swallowed. "And to fuck me senseless." Seven waited, knowing there was more. "Until I almost can't breathe, until I explode under you and around you and with you." It had come out so naturally but she was deeply shocked at herself; she had even spoken like that before.   
  
Even in her own aching state of want, Janeway drank in the conflict visible all over Seven's face. She could tell that the woman before her was deeply torn between giving her exactly what she had asked for, or taking what she wanted herself or, quite possibly, collapsing into an equally trembling heap next to her. After a few seconds, it was clear one of the options won out and she felt her legs shaking in anticipation as the young woman knelt up on the bed, her centre just inches above Janeway's.    
  
"What if that is not what _ I  _ need? What if I wish to kneel over you and have you pleasure me with your mouth?"    
  
"Yes. Please, Seven. Please. Please let me."    
  
"Or, what if I wish to hold you down as you requested." she moved as she spoke, pinning both of her Captain's wrists down carefully with her Borg hand and holding her legs firmly in place under her own. Every nerve in Kathryn's body was singing, screaming for more and rougher contact. "But I use my other hand to touch only myself." The noise Janeway made in response startled them both; it was half growl, half scream of pure frustration. Seven smirked.    
  
"I think I should tell you," Kathryn eventually managed, although it was now an effort for the her to put words together at all, "that at this rate, you're not going to need to touch me at all. I'm going to come before you even have a chance."    
  
Seven had never looked quite so blatantly pleased with herself. "Given the circumstances, that is acceptable," she said, reaching her human hand up to meet Janeway's lips which opened without question. Understanding, she wrapped them around two of Seven's fingers, mimicking the movements of her tongue she used to bring the young woman to orgasm with her mouth. Kathryn was sure there must be a pool of moisture underneath her where she lay by the time Seven pulled her hand back and placed it between her own legs, her eyelids fluttering.

“No, please, look at me.” When she did, the sheer emotion in the younger woman’s eyes made Kathryn’s breath catch in her chest. There was no mistaking what the the need and want she felt, heart and soul, as well as body. “I love you, Seven” she said, suddenly, desperately needing to be sure she knew it. The euphoric, deeply sensual smile she received in response told her that she did, with every ounce of her being. 

Janeway watched in unrestrained awe as Seven slid her fingers over herself in circles, holding the older woman’s gaze as she breathed in and out, louder and louder. Kathryn couldn’t speak; she couldn’t move. She could feel the gentle movements the young woman made as though they were gliding over her own skin, as though it were her body inching closer and closer to release. 

_ How did I live without her? Without this? _

The Captain felt desire inside her bubble up almost uncontrollably. The delicious pressure on her wrists from Seven’s Borg hand held her in position, unable to reach up and touch the soft body so close above her, even as it started to move more urgently. She was nearly overwhelmed by the urge to plead with Seven to let her hands loose but she could see the expectation in the young woman’s face and took a torturer’s joy in the visible and growing impatience there with every second she held back from begging for what she wanted.

“You really are stubborn, my Kathryn.” Janeway smiled wickedly but it was short lived. Even she couldn’t suppress the exclamation of deep frustration which issued from her lips as Seven withdrew her hand from her own dripping wetness. “No matter. I will make you cry out exactly when I want you to. Now, do you wish to taste me?”

“Yes.” Seven raised her eyebrows, but didn’t move. “Yes...please,” Janeway all but stuttered. The young woman placed her fingers lightly against Kathryn’s lips, moving them just out of reach every time she tried to do more than merely brush against them. 

“Seven, you’re killing me.”

“That would be entirely inefficient for my purposes.” She angled her body downwards as she spoke, brushing their breasts together for a moment before she captured Kathryn’s mouth in a rough, deep kiss which made the the older woman dissolve into a quivering mass. “You will watch me again when I continue.”

“Yes…”

“And you will come when I do.”

“I…....yes…..”

“And then I will do exactly what you asked of me earlier.”

“Yes…. _ Yes. _ ”

“I quite enjoy you this monosyllabic.” She smiled briefly, but then there was no more to be said. Words gave ways to gasping moans from both of them as Seven, still maintaining eye contact, slid one finger inside herself and angled her hips perfectly to move against it. It was no time at all before the sounds she was making changed in intensity and Janeway knew how close she was. She marvelled at this beautiful woman above her; at the overwhelming love she could feel coursing through her veins, and at the certainty that it was returned. Suddenly Seven lowered her body minutely and that was all it took for the backs of her knuckles to rub against Kathryn underneath her. It was the only stimulation she needed and they came together, muscles clenching hard and each other’s voices ringing in their ears.   

  
When she could speak again, Janeway smiled against warm, deliciously scented skin on top of her. "I’ve missed you too," she said. Seven nuzzled her neck, kissing the sensitive skin over her collarbone before scraping her teeth over it lightly.

“Do not get too comfortable,” she whispered and then paused, “Captain.” Kathryn swallowed, screaming inside with delicious anticipation. Watching Seven had reduced her to such a state that even the pleasure of orgasming once with her had barely taken the edge off her need. “I am not done with you yet.” Now, she could feel her whole body react to the intonation of that voice. Seven was back up on her knees, eyeing Kathryn ferally. “Assuming you still want what you asked for earlier?” She ran her hand up the inside of an already slick inner thigh. “To be fucked senseless?”

Janeway could barely whisper. Her mouth was dry and her breathing heavy, every of of her senses singing. “Yes….please. Please…….yes.” She bent her legs up at the knees, her gaze pleading more and more with every second she was forced to wait. She arched her back as Seven entered her, letting out a low pitched noise of deep satisfaction. But it was gentle at first, loving and soft and, in that moment, it wasn’t enough. Before she could even speak though, the rhythm changed and long, skilful fingers began pulsing in and out of her. The intensity of it took her breath away as each surrounding nerve ending reacted at once. Every time the heel of Seven’s hand made contact with her clitoris, her hips bucked upwards under no control of her own.  

“Kathryn,” the young woman didn’t ease off even minutely as she spoke, “we need to address the soundproofing of these quarters as soon as possible.” Janeway was barely been aware of quite how vocal she was being, let alone the volume. “Shhhhh….”

“Can’t…….”

The look of self-satisfaction on Seven’s face would have made the older woman’s heart burst if she had been in any position to process sensory information at all.

“In that case, given that at least half the ship has already heard you, we may as well experiment with quite how much louder you can be.” Kathryn could feel her whole body start to shake at the combination of the words and the unceasing movements against and inside her. Seven leaned down and gently kissed her cheek.

Barely able to whisper, Janeway took advantage of the proximity and strung together the only words she could. “More…..harder, please. And…..deeper.” Her hand stilling, Seven looked at her as though she were a miracle, suddenly brought to life. Kathryn could feel herself coming apart at the seams, the pause only serving to make it infinitely worse. “Please…....you know what I need.” They both did. By now, however, Janeway was acutely aware that she was being deliberately tortured; the young woman already knew exactly how to make her come, screaming, if that was what she wanted. It clearly wasn’t yet.

“But I think you are enjoying this immensely, Kathryn. And I can do it all day.”

“Seven, I can’t wait any longer. Let me….make me…..”

“Is that an order, Captain?” There was nothing more than a loud whimper in response, but it was enough. 

Soon she wasn’t even sure how many of Seven’s fingers were inside her. All she knew was that it felt so deep and so intense that she lost all control over her own movements, sounds and even thoughts. “God……..Seven…….fuck….” When she finally, finally felt the perfect pressure exactly where she needed it, everything lost coherence in a blaze of extraordinary pleasure and a gush of warm liquid she barely noticed.

When she could open her eyes, still tingling deliciously all over and struggling to catch her breath, Seven was looking at her, open-mouthed and shaking. The young woman’s eyes were two dark pools and she was babbling as she pulled Kathryn close. “Perfection. Perfection……..perfection...”  

“Seven, did you..?

“Yes. At least twice in the course of...….that.”

Janeway tried to summon the strength to raise an eyebrow but it was beyond her. “At least?” She grinned.

“Beyond a certain point, I lost the ability to function within acceptable parameters. I think there was definitely a third time after that.”

“Highly efficient, I would say,” Kathryn murmured, turning her still rosy face to lie against flawless, soft skin. She gave a deeply contented sigh and Seven laughed softly in response, stroking her hair. “Let’s always spend evenings like this.” 

“Providing, perhaps, that we really do install some additional soundproofing.”

“Was I very loud?”

“Extremely. And not just you, Kathryn.” The faintest hint of a blush crept up the younger woman’s cheeks. 

“Ok, agreed. But then let’s always spend our evenings like this. Acceptable?”

Seven smiled the widest Kathryn had ever seen from her. “Acceptable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To use a horrible cliché which I usually hate, writing this has definitely been a big old journey. I'm actually a pretty sad my first ever story like this is over.  
> Thank you for the millionth time for all the love and support and comments/kudos from kind readers. I'm so glad I tried my hand at this because of all of you and it's made me really aware of the fact that I *must* express my appreciation as a reader because it's made me so happy as a writer :)
> 
> I'm so in love with these two, who knows, maybe I'll even write more one day. Didn't think I would......but then an interesting idea popped into my head just this morning. Uh-oh ;)
> 
> The final chapter title is from Andrea Gibson's "Andrew." You know, just the greatest poem of all time (read it one and all, seriously.)


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